Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

GermanGirl_28 · #**101** 06-25-2012, 03:20 AM

Well, like I said a few days ago... a lot has happened during the last few days and I am trying to cope and find the answers that I need. This might be a pretty long post and I appologize beforehand. However, I do appreciate all of you who read through this and are willing to share their opinion and input with me.

Like I said before, I had been in touch with his sister-in-law, but couldn't get her on the phone. So I ended up writing her the following email:

I have been unsuccessfully trying to call you. It's been going to voicemail right away, which makes me question if you simple can't or for whatever reason don't want to take my call. I don't see why you wouldn't want to talk to me on the phone directly. We both care about him very much and all I wanted to do was talk about the current situation with all this stuff that has been going on.

From what you told me in your last few emails he was out of touch long enough for you to reach out to me. I am assuming that you hadn't hear from him in maybe a week or so. You also said that he told you that he got in trouble and has no privileges (no email, phone, visits) for 90 days. That would mean that his Mom and daughter can't come to visit in July and he wouldn't get to see his daughter even though he hasn't seen her in like almost 3 years or so. Then he sent you all of the money he had left asking you to buy a Christmas present for his daughter with it. Did I summarize that correctly so far?

It did occur to me that he might have asked you to tell me those things even though you guys know perfectly well that none of it is true. I am not sure, but let's assume for now that he didn't ask you to lie to me.

I called the prison yesterday and I spoke to a really nice lady. She confirmed 100% that he is NOT in the SHU, that he did NOT get himself in any trouble and that he did NOT lose any of his privileges. That means he is NOT on any restriction for 90 days and he is indeed able to have visitors during the next few months. Why would he want you to think otherwise?

I think it is very strange for him to send you all of the money he has. Doesn't he need it for himself? Without any money on his account he won't be able to use the email or phone or buy stamps and stuff for letter writing. When you think about it, that is almost like not having your privileges on purpose. Why would he cut himself off like that?

This lady that I was talking to also told me (off the record, because she wasn't really supposed to give me information like that) that he has been hanging out with members of a white prison gang. This lady was speculating that his odd behaviour might be some kind of gang initiation. She didn't verify anything though... just speculation. But she did confirm that he is hanging around those people a lot. I don't know if you know anything about this gang or if he has ever mentioned anything about it, but when you google it, you will find all the basic information about it and nothing that I have read so far sounds good in any way. I am really scared for him if this is what he is getting himself into. At the last prison he had to go to the SHU for protection because he refused to run a hit on someone. Well, from what I read online, running hits on people is kinda in the job description if you want to join this prison gang.

I don't know if you know this already or if he has mentioned anything about it, but he basically broke up with me 4 weeks ago. He sent me an email telling me that he loves me too much to ruin my life. He wants me to move on to better things and be happy with someone else, because he thinks that I would be wasting my life with him. He said that he has been selfish for holding on for so long... he said that this life behind prison walls is something he has to go through alone without dragging me through it, too... he said that he would never forgive himself if he doesn't let me go now and that he has made up his mind and that there is no way I can argue about it.

I can't even begin to tell you how much it hurt to read all that. I love him so much and I would have never broken any of my promises to him. I wanted to marry him and I would have stood by his side every single day during the next 20 years. I knew what I was getting myself into and what it means to be with someone who has a long time left to serve behind walls.

I wrote him a letter back trying to explain to him, that a) I am an adult and I can make my own choices, b) he doesn't need to feel guilty for everything I give to him freely, c) he deserves to share his life with someone he loves and that loves him in return. It was a 6 page letter where I was basically pouring my heart out to him. There are a lot of questions that are left unanswered and I had hoped that he would love me enough to write me back. So far, he hasn't written me back yet. I haven't heard anything from him since he sent me that email. All of this is really heart-breaking and emotionally draining for me. I don't understand why he is doing all of this!

Well, I guess this is basically what I wanted to talk to you about on the phone. If you want to talk to me, please give me a call. I would truly appreciate if you would keep in touch. I deeply care about him and I love him with all of my heart and soul. Not having him in my life from one day to the next is like he died and that is so horrible I can't even find words for it.

Of course his sister-in-law contacted him and sent him emails to ask what was going on. As a response I finally hear back from him myself. He sent me an email the same day. I know he is upset with me for sticking my nose into his business and uncovering the fact that he lied. I admit that he has every right to be upset, but do I not have the right to seek answers, too? He could have written me back sooner and given me the answers I needed himself...

Here is what he wrote:

I have only a few minutes on here left after reading my messages today.. I have been trying to stay off here so I didn't waste what I had left.
anyway, I saw a huge increase on my emails so I thought I would see what the deal was and there was a shit load from my sister-in-law.. apparently she found out that I wasn't being honest with her in my letter.. why is it that you can't leave well enough alone? I wrote her that letter and told her what I told her so that I would be left alone... I need to concentrate on myself, not everything else that's going on in the world.. everyone is just fine with me being in prison except for me and in order for me to get out of this place I need to stay focused... I didn't lose any of my privileges but I told them that so that I would be able to save what little money I had and they wouldn't feel obligated to send me any.. I know that don't have the funds for all that and if they thought I lost all my rights pretty much then there really wouldn't be any reason to do anything for me but I see you felt it needed to call up here and talk this woman into giving you info that no one should have given you and I will talk to her about it bc I know who told you that . the simple truth is that I want to be left alone.. I didn't know that my daughter was coming to see me till just the other day but all that has been fixed now and they will be coming in a few weeks..
please just let me be, I'm not hurting anyone and I'm definitely not trying to be part of any gang like that woman said I was.. I have one friend that belongs to the gang that you mentioned.. do you really think I'm dumb enough to join something like that? if I had a gay friend would you think I was a fag too? I don't think so.. they are jumping to conclusions and that's all it is..
well I have to go, I'm out of minutes.. try to understand what I'm doing and respect it... I'm just tired of the way things are with me being in here and no one doing anything about it .. so I have to do something about it and if I don't stay on it 24/7 no one else it and that's just the way it is..

I sent him the following reply:

Please don’t be mad at me for sending you some money. I just wanted to make sure that not having any minutes is not the reason for you not being able to write me back. You are probably kinda upset with me for calling the prison and emailing back and forth with your sister-in-law. I didn’t mean to cause any harm, but I had to do whatever it took to get answers. What I heard from your sister-in-law raised a lot of questions for me and I did what I did to find answers. I kinda knew that all of this would make the rounds and eventually end up in an email or letter to you. It was a risk I was willing to take.

Did you get the letter that I sent you? I poured my heart and soul out to you and so far I haven’t gotten any response. What did you expect me to do after you sent me this email? Was I supposed to be happy and just move on? In what reality did you expect to not hear from me again? In what world did you expect me to not seek answers and simple accept your decision to end our relationship and throw away everything we’ve shared?

At least in your last email you explained a little bit about what is going on with you right now. What I don’t understand is why you never shared any of those thoughts and feelings with me before hand? You never said anything about all of this at all. I mean, of course you wanna do everything possible to reduce your sentence, but you should have talked about it with me. It’s not true that everybody – including me – is fine with you being in prison and it’s also not true that nobody is willing to do anything about it. If you had talked about this with me we could have figured out a way to rearrange our priorities for a while, rearrange financial means and come up with an action plan. I would do anything in my power to help you! I would do anything to get you out of prison sooner. I don’t understand how you want to work on this all by yourself without any outside help. How is cutting yourself off from your girlfriend and family the right way to go? If you have to do something about being stuck in prison, then why do you have to do it alone? Why don’t you trust me to do anything in my power to help you?

I thought that I was more than just the girl that you wrote emails to every day and talked to once a week. Right now you are making it sound like our relationship was a burden to you and that you couldn’t take anything positive out of it. Do you miss me at all? Do you still love me? Will you let me visit you at the end of July? I was looking forward to seeing you so very much and there is a lot of money that I spent on it, too.

Do you have any idea how much pain and heartbreak I went though this past month? I never cried so much in my entire life, but still the tears keep coming. I miss you so much. Not hearing from you from one day to the next is like you have died.

I love you

What am I supposed to make of this now? I know that many people will repead what has already been said: "He has said it loud and clear that he wants me to leave him alone." I get that. I heard that. It hurts like hell, but it doesn't answer the questions I have.

He hasn't written me back yet. I just heard back from his sister-in-law and she mentioned that his Mom and daughter are going to use up all of his visiting points for the month of July. Not sure if that is true, because they would have to stay for more than just one weekend to do that. It hurts that he treating me like this now. I can accept the fact that he doesn't want to be with me anymore, I can accept the fact that he wants to be left alone... what I cannot accept however is the fact that he is treating me like crap and just pushing me to the side like the last few years didn't mean a thing.

LoveYourself1st · #**102** 06-25-2012, 03:49 AM

I will speak from my own personal experience...

When my last relationship ended I was obsessed with it's demise. To me everything seemed to be going perfectly and when he ended things it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had SO many questions. The sorts of questions that will drive you insane. Did he no longer think I was pretty? Did I no longer turn him on? Was there someone else? Were the things he told me in the past sincere? ETC.

Even though he told me outright he needed space I refused to accept this. I felt because of our past he "owed" me answers. But the truth was I wasn't really concerned with answers. I just wanted to prolong contact with him because I wasn't ready to let him go. I felt if I didn't stay a constant presence in his life he would forget all about me and find a new girl and leave me in the dust.

But really it just prolonged my suffering. Looking back I can see all the time, feelings, and energy I wasted. I feel so much better being completely done with the situation then I did when I was clinging to the past.

Best luck to you. It takes a long time to heal a broken heart but they do heal

HardHeadedWoman · #**103** 06-25-2012, 07:01 AM

as hard as it is you just need to let it go. this is his second attempt to tell you how he felt and you ignored both of his request. I can sort of understand you wanting the closure but he gave you that in his first letter. he expalined what he felt and what he wanted and you ignored it.

You then call the counselor and repeatedly contact the sister in law whom by the way was basically ignoring you by letting phone go directly to voicemail. Once you saw you still wasnt getting the answers you wanted to hear you proceeded to rat him out to his own family. If he told them he lost his priviledges he had a reason for doing that. he writes the second letter and again ask you to let go and you go right back and write him again and this time you are doing what you said you wouldnt do and thats begging him. I know this is hard for you and I know the gut wrenching pain but this has been going on since Feb. Its time to turn him loose. If he comes back its meant to be

GermanGirl_28 · #**104** 06-25-2012, 07:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HardHeadedWoman

as hard as it is you just need to let it go. this is his second attempt to tell you how he felt and you ignored both of his request. I can sort of understand you wanting the closure but he gave you that in his first letter. he expalined what he felt and what he wanted and you ignored it.

You then call the counselor and repeatedly contact the sister in law whom by the way was basically ignoring you by letting phone go directly to voicemail. Once you saw you still wasnt getting the answers you wanted to hear you proceeded to rat him out to his own family. If he told them he lost his priviledges he had a reason for doing that. he writes the second letter and again ask you to let go and you go right back and write him again and this time you are doing what you said you wouldnt do and thats begging him. I know this is hard for you and I know the gut wrenching pain but this has been going on since Feb. Its time to turn him loose. If he comes back its meant to be

Excuse me, but you are getting it all wrong.
First of all, he made his wishes clear when he sent that first email, but there is no way in hell I was just gonna read that and walk away from it without getting answers.
Second of all, his sister-in-law didn't ignore my calls on purpose. She was at work and couldn't take my calls.
Third, I didn't rat him out. He was totally acting out of character and I did what I felt was the right thing. He never lies to anybody, so this was a big red flag. He had his reasons, true, but I didn't know that then. He has his chance to explain it to me.
Forth, I wasn't begging him. I want to go see him and I asked him if he would let me. If he says no, I have my answer.

I just needed to clarify. Don't make me the bad guy, because I am not!

**sidewalker** · #**105** 06-25-2012, 07:34 AM

I think at this point, its time to do as he asks and leave him alone.
As much as you still have questions, want answers, and are hurting, its probably best to abide by his wishes.
Im very sorry.

Papatya · #**106** 06-25-2012, 09:08 AM

Germangirl, I totally understand the things you have done thus far. I think you have the RIGHT to have closure and getting all your questions answered, especially after being with him in a relationship for 3,5 years, you can not just end things with an email and not even give the other person involved the opportunity to ask questions. This is not right. So I don´t think it´s wrong at all that you have contacted the prison or his sister-in-law. If he would´ve given you the opportunity to talk to him you certainly wouldn´t have done that.

I want to share an experience I have made in regard to not getting answers,maybe it will be a little bit of help. I was once involved with someone (not in prison). Due to circumstances it was very complicated, so was his personality. We have never been in a relationship although both of us professed that we loved each other and it drove me crazy knowing I loved him, knowing he loved me but not becoming a couple. For some YEARS, whenever he contacted me or I contacted him, I would always come back to that subject and tried to get answers from him and I have NEVER gotten any answers!:-). Honestly over the years I didn´t even realise I had fallen out of love with him. What I couldn´t let go was not the love, it was not to know, what the reason was that we didn´t make it. It took damn long but I finally accepted that I will never know the answers to my questions. It was very frustrating and even more having wasted so many years of my life just because I couldn´t accept that he wouldn´t answer my questions. I think the main reason I couldn´t let go and wanted closure was that until then, especially when we fell in love with each other, was (what I thought) the best time of my life and I believed if I would know the reason why we didn´t make it, I could change it and make it work.

You definitely have a right to get answers to your questions but it doesn´t mean that he will act accordingly to your right, so if you don´t get them soon, you should try to let it go. I know it´s difficult and the pain will not go away immediately, but I promise you from my own experience, it will get better.

I wish you the best

Sorry for grammar and/or other mistakes, I´m not a native speaker.

Timothy's Girl · #**107** 06-25-2012, 09:40 AM

im sorry things will get better my fiance is in hamilton ci and he says its hard in there but ur in my prayers

Jootje · #**108** 06-25-2012, 10:26 AM

I am sure every one who read and/or reacted to your thread felt so sorry for you, felt your hurt, felt your pain and felt your frustration. I am sure most understood you wanted answers and there for closure. You had send him an email last month to seek for the answers, to tell him how you felt and so on. He finally got back to you, but not to that letter but to tell you so let him be. In that letter he never mentioned he loved you, he never told you he missed you he just told you basically to leave him alone. I think you can stand on your hands for days and go up and behond but I do not think anything you can do will get you the answers you are looking for. I understand this is hurting and frustrating.
There is a thin line between love and hate and if you keep reaching out to him (even though you mean it with all the best and all the true love for him in your heart), I think it may come across by now (to him) as desperate and I personally think you are closing more doors than you are wishing for instead of ever getting answers.

I am really sorry you are going through all this but I really do think for now you need to step back from it all and take a deep breath and try to move on, step by step, day by day and little by little because one thing that is for sure, as far as I can read between the lines in his reaction towards you, he is not changing his mind and have decided to move on without you.

Best of luck and I wish you all the strenght possible for you to get through this hurt and pain.

aleshakm · #**109** 06-25-2012, 11:40 AM

I cant help but have the upmost respect for him, he truly loves you and did the right thing, by not wanting you to miss out on soo much in your life time waiting on him.......

Rachel C · #**110** 06-25-2012, 12:00 PM

I've read your thread for the past hour and a half. Wow I'm so sorry Germangirl. I think all of us realistically have had the same fear that you are now experiencing. There is not one thing in this world that's worse than rejection, it's even worse than death. I cannot imagine your pain right now all I can do is emphasize with you. I know for your own sake you needed that closure. No you're not stalking( how can you stalk an inmate anyways) him you were just concerned about his safety and well being. In our minds our LO just don't randomly decide one day to break things off with no seemingly good explanation and when it does happen our minds just don't grasp it's full meaning. Its our minds way of trying to shield us from a broken heart.
I think his last email was sort of your closure. Even though it didn't answer your questions or make your heart feel better it was indeed a goodbye. You might not ever get the answers you need, but you have to move on. When I say move on I'm not talking about moving on with a new man next week, but I am talking about giving your heart a chance to finally grieve. Before you were holding out on him changing his mind and the possibility of reconciliation , now you have that peace that you did everything you could to let him know that you still loved him and cared for his well being. Maybe it would be a good time to write him a goodbye letter as well, it will give you that final closure you know??
I wish you all the best Germangirl. I'm sorry your heart Is breaking right now. I still wish there was something I can say to make you feel better. Just give yourself time and be patient with yourself as well. What you're going through is one of life's greatest heartaches. Praying for you. Pm me anytime you like, you have a whole PTO family that is here for you.

**pj663** · #**111** 06-25-2012, 01:56 PM

GermanGirl,

I'm glad that he finally responded to you. I hope that his response gives you the answers that you looked for and the closure that you deserved. It's good to know that he has a head on his shoulders with regards to staying away from trouble and focusing on his life. This should give you some relief that he is acting responsibly and not acting out. I think that his sister in law dont want to be caught in the middle that should explain why he recieved all those emails regarding this matter. The one thing that stuck out was him complaining that he is trying to get out since everyone is comfortable with him being there. That's some bold words to say although I know you dont feel that way. He given you a full explanation it's not what you hoped for but now you know. The good thing is that he will be seeing his daughter maybe he will respond that you can come to visit as well who knows. He knew that you had plans yet he mention everything but your visit. Take a step back and let things calm down.

canadiangirl098 · #**112** 06-25-2012, 02:16 PM

i am so sorry that it ended the way it has..sounds to me like he doesnt want to be friends even which would hurt...i was same way sort of with my bf when in the past he broke up with me and would ignore me cause he didnt want confrontation and i would email him asking him what happened finally i just gave up and didnt bother with him but thankfully he did contact me as a friend and we are back together but unfortunately it doesnt always work out that way and in your case doesnt sound like it will..the distance could be a factor plus the 20 years as well and also you getting his family involved i dont think helped matters either to even remaining friends that probably ticked him off...i know you wanted answers i have been there and done that..last year i knew my man was in jail but wasnt sure for how long (we were just friends) i wanted so badly to contact his sister and ask her questions and find out answers but i didnt i felt if he wanted me to know how long he was in jail for or know his address then he would somehow contact me and he did contact me through his sister i did this because i didnt want to make him mad by contacting his family...i would just leave him alone and try and move on and if in time he contacts you then great it was meant to be and maybe be friends but if not then you got your answer

cottage style · #**113** 06-25-2012, 04:22 PM

wow hun, im so sorry that this is happening , i cant imagine how much you must be hurting right now, im so so sorry!! he does have a point if he is going to be in long term and you live in another country you cant be together every weekend or even every couple months, i can see his point but know if my man sent that to me i would be crushed.i hope and pray you get the very best that he wants for you , god bless and be with you sweetie.

Scoobs · #**114** 06-25-2012, 05:44 PM

Wow that must have been a tough pill to swallow but just remind him that although you all will no longer be in a relationship you'll still be in his corner no matter what. Sounds like you both love each other very much and to just walk away like nothin ever happened is hard. I say stick around even if only for moral support and help him to fall in love with you all over again. good luck

ahora2012 · #**115** 06-25-2012, 06:05 PM

i am so sorry that you are still hanging on - WHY? it is only hurting you - do you remember in one of your replies to me you said you would not beg him or hang onto ankles? you are doing both - it hurts - i know break ups are not nice neat and clean they are jagged, rough, torn and shredded edges of our heart - but you have to gather up your pride and stop communication. with everyone regarding him. he can not be any clearer - as painful as it is he is being clear. YOU ARE WORTH A MAN WHO LOVES YOU WITHOUT CONVINCING. you will get through it - i promise. i have been there - months of depression pleading with god to make the pain stop, for some sort of call or email from him, nothing will satisfy you in his response - bc its not what you want to hear - i pray that you see your worth and your value - as much as you will disagree - he is not worthy of your love devotion - the man worthy of that will reciprocate.

Red_Honeyy · #**116** 06-25-2012, 06:38 PM

It takes a man to say what he did, and handle the situation in the manner he did. True it could have been discussed with you, but he knew you would try and talk him out of it. I know you know the saying If you love something sometimes you have to let it go- (that is how you show your love for them. .He knows what he can't give you and realize he dont want to be a reason you look on life with regrets.I know your hurt you want answers to your questions, but truth is they are already answered for you. Now your stuck with the pain and hurt, which only time can heal so give yourself some time to heal. If he comes back its up to you to accept him again if not don't view it as a lost just another lesson in life that you had to learn. I hope you heal and move on with your life remember your not incarcerated so don't live like it! Best of luck! <<hugs>>

mallafri · #**117** 06-25-2012, 08:01 PM

Wow, it sounds like he's going through some mental breakdown or something.... You don't just up and walk away from someone after 3 1/2 year together without some kind of "warning" or closure. Sorry, I don't know what advice to give you other than to try and give him some space and be there for him when he needs it.

*Firebrand* · #**118** 06-25-2012, 08:27 PM

This may hurt a bit; maybe not, but…..there’s another side to it that’s hard to appreciate or comprehend if you’re not the one doing the time inside a prison cell somewhere. It’s more about him than it is about you. We use that word “love” in MWI relationships like it’s a salt or pepper shaker that everything on the plate gets sprinkled with when we sit down to eat. Maybe the truth of the matter is two people can and do love each other under these circumstance, but it’s a certain type of love; it’s a love unto itself that can become intensely desperate at times. Some of us on the inside can’t handle that kind of intense desperation when it come to the love game without it turning into a serious problem with the crying game. There can be no doubt that the love you feel for him is real, but the love he needs is not real enough. So much in fact, it’s kinda like the old saying “no marriage at all is better than a bad one”. He can’t have the real thing while he’s in there. The more you write him and the more you prove to him that you want to be with him then, the more he is forced to realize that he cannot love you the way that most of us are inclined to think that relationships are best experience and that is together, not separated by prison walls and razor wire. Some of us have to have the real thing where a woman in our lives is concerned when it comes to a fiancée or a wife or we don’t want to go there at all.

It doesn’t have anything to do with love when you get right down to it, it has to do with the way that a person is put together in so far as what they can cope with and what they can live with. He can’t live with the reality of loving someone that he can only love from a distance; it’s just that simple and I’ve got news for you, there are a number of us in there that try to maintain MWI relationships that cannot do it and I for one, was one of them. It just absolutely drove me crazy every time I attempted to carry on in that manner and it made the time I had to in there unbelievably hard to bear. It’s just not enough.

We don’t really understand as much about the human mind or the soul as we think we do, sometimes. This is one area of human nature that is a vivid example of that. What one person calls the best of all worlds, another person calls hell. What one person longs to become more a part of, another person longs to be removed from. Some of us cannot compromise or settle for less than what is possible to completely experience or obtain. Some people are passionate about more than just passion in life; they’re like that about everything.

I don’t say this to be sexist or chauvinistic, but one thing I’ve noticed repeatedly about a number of women in MWI relationships when a breakup comes about is the first thing you do is assume that you’ve done something wrong or have caused things to turn sour. You have to realize something that for most part is beyond you unless you’ve done time in prison. That world and this one are so very different that a person’s priorities, their values and their desires can be different or they can change over time because of what they go through in prison. For the most part, we’re all where we want to be when it comes to living in the Free World because it’s the place to be. We may struggle with issues, people or conditions of what goes on out here at times, but aside from that, this is the world we want to be a part of. Prison is the complete opposite of that; it is a world that no one wants to be in and everyone longs to depart from ASAP. If anything is that bad in life or that difficult to bear then, it is entirely possible to not understand or to misunderstand why things come about the way that they do in something like a relationship. I say that to say this; don’t be surprised by anything that happens in an MWI relationship because there are too many unknowns, variables and changes that take place in there which are beyond you that you cannot see. Don’t ever blame yourself if it doesn’t work out. You’re to be admired & commended for making the effort in the first place.

**pj663** · #**119** 06-25-2012, 09:58 PM

Firebrand all that you are saying is on point but I feel that something is not right like for instance the sister is giving her heads up that his mother and daughter is using all of the visiting points for the month of July as to suggest dont try to pop up or make a visit what is that about? That's like his sister in law is in on the lying as well. I can see how she is like WTF you know??? He knew the time he was facing could it be that he's cool on the long distance relationship which makes me think that he may have found someone loca?l He's like completley shuttin her down and kinda of being rude. I understand him being a little mad due to her calling up there behind his back but he didnt respond to her letter so she resorted to that. This time he felt forced to respond due to all the emails and so forth. Crazy man.

ChristineNicolm · #**120** 06-26-2012, 12:09 AM

Good for you! I told my loved one that if he ever tried to break up with me for those reasons, that I would just wait anyway aha. He can either be with me or have me waiting, I'm not going anywhere. And honestly I would have snooped, and emailed him until he responded lol. So good luck!!!

chili · #**121** 06-26-2012, 01:36 AM

If this guy is genuine and not playing some sort of game or throwing you over for another girl under the guise of being noble, then he sounds like a great guy.

*Firebrand* · #**122** 06-26-2012, 04:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pj663

Firebrand all that you are saying is on point but I feel that something is not right like for instance the sister is giving her heads up that his mother and daughter is using all of the visiting points for the month of July as to suggest dont try to pop up or make a visit what is that about? That's like his sister in law is in on the lying as well. I can see how she is like WTF you know??? He knew the time he was facing could it be that he's cool on the long distance relationship which makes me think that he may have found someone loca?l He's like completley shuttin her down and kinda of being rude. I understand him being a little mad due to her calling up there behind his back but he didnt respond to her letter so she resorted to that. This time he felt forced to respond due to all the emails and so forth. Crazy man.

I understand how you feel, PJ and unfortunately, you do see MWI relationships where there is dishonesty & deceit to be seen. I never carried on like that, but I’ve seen a few men in my time there in prison who did. In the end, they shame themselves more so anything else that could be said of that type behavior.

Rox73 · #**123** 06-26-2012, 07:39 PM

Well I'm MWI and my husband is out now thankfully. But he has told me that at the beginning of his bid he wouldn't have wanted to get together with me (he was in there 13 years) - he actually cut everyone out of his life from the outside and he used your ex's exact words: "I needed to stay focused in there". What that means is having people on the outside worrying about him, fussing over him, helping him, telling him what he should and should not do in there and whatnot actually made his time harder, not easier. It's not the same world in there as it is out here - another set of rules apply and you can't put your sense of what the rules should be on him when he's the one living his life in there in his world.

I know you think it's good for him to have your love, have your help, financial and emotional but if you think about it.... maybe it just makes his time harder.... just like Firebrand also said above. This IS the nature of long term incarceration - he needs to stay focused to survive all the dangers in there (the way HE thinks is best, not people on the outside) but more importantly he needs to stay focused to SURVIVE THE TIME that he faces. Living half in and half out of the free world through you and his family gets in the way of that. That's how my husband has explained this to me and I believe him.

I think it's time you believe your guy. If you love him, you should let him go since it seems that it's what he really wants..... it doesn't seem like he doesn't love you (at least not to me after reading this thread) but survival in there HAS to be his first priority before everything else - even you guys' relationship. Who knows - time may lead you two together again.

GeckoBrat · #**124** 06-26-2012, 08:16 PM

It's very hard to do but for the most part you should forget about getting any answers... Let go and as the old saying goes If he comes back he's meant to be yours if not then he never was... I too just broke up with my MWI guy after spending two yrs with him while he was down. Once he came home he was all about doing it ALL on his own then and said that old saying " it's not you it's just me " I believe him ! Even though I wanted other answers that was the best one he had to give... It took me nearly 6 months to really let go but once I did I felt much better because I was no longer on a roller coaster ! I hope you find peace soon ! Hugs

yubnag · #**125** 06-27-2012, 01:27 AM

Sweetie, this email from him is terribly heartbreaking. I feel your pain. My man regularly talk about us breaking up too. I get so nervous but I simply comfort myself that, perhaps, he's just checking me.

It seems that he's very sincere and means what he says. If I were in your shoes, I'd take his advice and move on. To love each other is also to simply respect each other's wishes. He'll certainly regret this but this needs to be done.

I'm terribly sorry. Hang tight.