Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

FastCarGirl · #1 06-01-2012, 07:33 PM

I've seen it a few times, that we can only "really" know them once they're out and on the streets.

And in some ways I think that's true, and in some ways I don't. If you're guy is being honest and straight and sharing himself with you....(key word being HONEST) and if we are honest with ourselves and paying attention to their behaivor, not just what they're saying, I think can have a pretty good idea of what they're like as a free person in many circumstances.

Romeo, now that he's been out for a minute, is the same essential guy in the free world as he was in prison, for which I am eternally grateful.

Back in the day, the standard for marriage was that people didn't live together before they were married....and at least in Christianity sex before marriage was also frowned upon. So couples essentially got to know each other the same way...letters, cards, conversations, dates (visits). So it's not like this way of building a relationship from the ground up without sex or living together first isn't completely radical.

But what do you think...can you "only" know someone once they're free? What about those couples who are not MWI and had no idea their loved one was doing stuff that would get them arrested? Did they not really "know" their mate?

What do you think?

ryansbabe11 · #2 06-01-2012, 07:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FastCarGirl

I've seen it a few times, that we can only "really" know them once they're out and on the streets.

And in some ways I think that's true, and in some ways I don't. If you're guy is being honest and straight and sharing himself with you....(key word being HONEST) and if we are honest with ourselves and paying attention to their behaivor, not just what they're saying, I think can have a pretty good idea of what they're like as a free person in many circumstances.

Romeo, now that he's been out for a minute, is the same essential guy in the free world as he was in prison, for which I am eternally grateful.

Back in the day, the standard for marriage was that people didn't live together before they were married....and at least in Christianity sex before marriage was also frowned upon. So couples essentially got to know each other the same way...letters, cards, conversations, dates (visits). So it's not like this way of building a relationship from the ground up without sex or living together first isn't completely radical.

But what do you think...can you "only" know someone once they're free? What about those couples who are not MWI and had no idea their loved one was doing stuff that would get them arrested? Did they not really "know" their mate?

What do you think?

I think exactly what you said...if the person is being honest then there is nothing to worry about and essentially (being MWI) it is a great way to get to know each other without getting caught up in the physical aspect of having sex. I believe that everyone needs to "proceed with caution" in the beginning of this & every other relationship out there & don't ignore any instincts or warning flags.
With that being said, I feel so blessed that I have met my future husband. I trust him with my life and can't imagine being without him. I've never had any bad feelings or doubts about our relationship. I feel that I know him very well, communication is key- if you truly have a good relationship with someone- you will be comfortable and able to go to that person and talk about anything.
MWI relationships can be great,

but with any relationship they take work, its important to take the time to LISTEN to each other, to talk and to care about one another's interests, likes, dislikes etc.
thanks for the post

InmateLover67 · #3 06-01-2012, 07:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FastCarGirl

I've seen it a few times, that we can only "really" know them once they're out and on the streets.

And in some ways I think that's true, and in some ways I don't. If you're guy is being honest and straight and sharing himself with you....(key word being HONEST) and if we are honest with ourselves and paying attention to their behaivor, not just what they're saying, I think can have a pretty good idea of what they're like as a free person in many circumstances.

Romeo, now that he's been out for a minute, is the same essential guy in the free world as he was in prison, for which I am eternally grateful.

Back in the day, the standard for marriage was that people didn't live together before they were married....and at least in Christianity sex before marriage was also frowned upon. So couples essentially got to know each other the same way...letters, cards, conversations, dates (visits). So it's not like this way of building a relationship from the ground up without sex or living together first isn't completely radical.

But what do you think...can you "only" know someone once they're free? What about those couples who are not MWI and had no idea their loved one was doing stuff that would get them arrested? Did they not really "know" their mate?

What do you think?

I believe when you are writing to someone you have never met, it is really difficult to know who they really are. Some men are real good talkers and say all the right things when they are locked up, but once they get out, their true colors shine through.

I agree that if you pay attention to signs and signals, you can gauge whether a person is being sincere or not. Some people see signs and signals, but refuse to pay attention to them, so they end up hurt.

If you are with someone on the street and you are tuned into them, I believe you will have signs that something is not right and at that point, you can address it and figure out what is going on.

Peace~

csgirlalways · #4 06-01-2012, 08:01 PM

I think there are plenty of times when someone doesn't "know" the person they are with when they are free. Look at all the broken relationships because of lies, cheating, whatever the case may be. It all depends on the two people involved in the relationship, whether it starts on the outside or whether you met them in prison.

tabathapope1 · #5 06-01-2012, 09:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FastCarGirl

I've seen it a few times, that we can only "really" know them once they're out and on the streets.

And in some ways I think that's true, and in some ways I don't. If you're guy is being honest and straight and sharing himself with you....(key word being HONEST) and if we are honest with ourselves and paying attention to their behaivor, not just what they're saying, I think can have a pretty good idea of what they're like as a free person in many circumstances.

Romeo, now that he's been out for a minute, is the same essential guy in the free world as he was in prison, for which I am eternally grateful.

Back in the day, the standard for marriage was that people didn't live together before they were married....and at least in Christianity sex before marriage was also frowned upon. So couples essentially got to know each other the same way...letters, cards, conversations, dates (visits). So it's not like this way of building a relationship from the ground up without sex or living together first isn't completely radical.

But what do you think...can you "only" know someone once they're free? What about those couples who are not MWI and had no idea their loved one was doing stuff that would get them arrested? Did they not really "know" their mate?

What do you think?

Good point with ur "back in the day" I agree its not so different and I agree that you can get to know a mans true character while he is still "on the inside"(and get a good idea of how he will be on the outside in many ways) so long as he is being real and upfront with u and honest.the problem is that some men aren't and they do lie but this is no different whether the men are "on the inside" or "out on the streets" some men lie and location is irrelavant.

Klewis · #6 06-01-2012, 09:41 PM

I knew my x husband before he got locked up and he did not change while he was locked up and I knew not to expect him too. I have known my Fiance' as a young kid, teenager, want to be grown boy and now as a man. I know when he comes home he will be the person I knew and know. My Fiance' knows I can careless what he writes, I really don't even respond to it all. I respond more to his actions and his actions have told me since I knew him he is definitely one to keep.

tabathapope1 · #7 06-01-2012, 09:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by csgirlalways

I think there are plenty of times when someone doesn't "know" the person they are with when they are free. Look at all the broken relationships because of lies, cheating, whatever the case may be. It all depends on the two people involved in the relationship, whether it starts on the outside or whether you met them in prison.

Girl I totally agree with u on that!!!!

Tela · #8 06-01-2012, 10:05 PM

Thank you for starting this thread fastcargirl! Yes you CAN TRULY knoe your MWI even though you havent spent time with them on the outside..as you mentioned i believe these types of relationships are the epitome of "old fashioned values"...nowadays everyone is so swift to jump in the bed with someone "claiming" they love them...its alot of broken families b/c of this reckless behavior...id take what i share with my Love ANYDAY! HA! I KNOE HIS CORE AND HE KNOES MINE..not to many folk in the free world can even twist their mouths to say that about their relationships, but theres a flipside to that coin as well..if. it looks lile a duck and quacks like a DaYuM duck...ITS DUCK!! Lol! All im saying is COMMON SENSE has to be apart of ones make up when going into these types of relationships...just implement a tinge bit of COMMON SENSE...and you can DECIPHE btween bullshit and nonsense..

JKB's Girl · #9 06-01-2012, 10:34 PM

Don't we all want to think we really know them??? How do you really know someone without living with them??? You can think you know them all you want but you don't really find out everything about them until you do live together, just like they won't find out all about you until they live with you. Even then as others have stated you still may not really know them.

You can know them pretty well, but not near a well as after you've lived together day in, day out going thru all the mundane things and not so mundane things. It just isn't possible until you do. Ask anyone that has been married for a long time if they really knew their spouse until after they had lived together for some time (I don't mean a few months either)and see what their answer is.

We are MBI, have known each other since 1976 but have never lived together. Even though we've been thru hell and back in the 8 years we've been reunited and the fact that he hasn't changed one iota in that time, no way do I delude myself into thinking that I know everything about him until he gets out and we reside together. What is that about anyway??? Why is it necessary to announce to the world that of course you know all about each other when you haven't lived one day together out here. Are we afraid to admit we don't know everything about them, is that a bad thing if you don't? Personally, I am so looking forward to learning all the little idiosyncracies he has that I don't know about, and anything else I can learn about him that I haven't discovered yet and he says the same about me. God willing we will some day get that opportunity.

FastCarGirl · #10 06-01-2012, 10:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tela

Thank you for starting this thread fastcargirl! Yes you CAN TRULY knoe your MWI even though you havent spent time with them on the outside..as you mentioned i believe these types of relationships are the epitome of "old fashioned values"...nowadays everyone is so swift to jump in the bed with someone "claiming" they love them...its alot of broken families b/c of this reckless behavior...id take what i share with my Love ANYDAY! HA! I KNOE HIS CORE AND HE KNOES MINE..not to many folk in the free world can even twist their mouths to say that about their relationships, but theres a flipside to that coin as well..if. it looks lile a duck and quacks like a DaYuM duck...ITS DUCK!! Lol! All im saying is COMMON SENSE has to be apart of ones make up when going into these types of relationships...just implement a tinge bit of COMMON SENSE...and you can DECIPHE btween bullshit and nonsense..

Very true about the "duck" part, lol. I think in some cases, the guys do show their true colors and who they are...and sometimes we just write that off as a "prison thing". Sometimes guys are so desperate for love and affection that they fool themselves into thinking they're being with someone they might not have chosen otherwise.

I also think there is, or can be in some cases a bit of a learning curve that both parties have to go through once they are released. That doesn't necessarily mean you don't "know" the person...just that the pressures of freedom are different than the pressures of prison and can bring out the different ways people deal with stress.

Abraann · #11 06-01-2012, 10:48 PM

I say yes and no. Like you said if they're honest you'll have a good idea. Yeah you won't know about lil annoying quirks but you'll know deep down who he is. I'm an MWI but I met him though his cousin who I'm good friends with and have met his family so I think I have a pretty good idea of who he is. Their stories confirm it.

Tela · #12 06-01-2012, 11:05 PM

Yeah well call me cooky!! Lol! Trust me ive been called worst! But i DO KNOW MY MAN ...SPIRITUALLY !!! i dont need to live with him physically to know our love has been birthed my God...forgive me im one who doesnt see things "fleshly" so in that respect is where i speak...everyones walk IS DIFFERENT.

AmberJunior612 · #13 06-01-2012, 11:20 PM

Bout the poster above saying you dont know someone til you live with them, that goes not just for MWI but also those who didnt live with their LO before they went away to prison

I dont think living with someone makes you know them. We all kno there plenty of men and women who lead double lives and live with their spouse. Its a matter of HONESTY and COMMUNICATION reguardless if you reside together or not!

Personally i know my man pretttyyyyy well, do i know everything? No but we learn new things EVERYDAY

💗 A&R 💋

JKB's Girl · #14 06-02-2012, 12:05 AM

Just one question, is anyone that's answering yes, they really know their guy ever lived with them? What time have you had with them? 15 minute phone calls? A few hours to visit, how often?

Just curious. This has nothing to do with knowing them physically or spiritually. It has to do with knowing them period.....have you lived with them at all? Have you ever lived with anyone for any significant amount of time:? If you have did you not get to know them much better living with them???? It's a question.

JCsLove1 · #15 06-02-2012, 01:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JKB's Girl

Just one question, is anyone that's answering yes, they really know their guy ever lived with them? What time have you had with them? 15 minute phone calls? A few hours to visit, how often?

Just curious. This has nothing to do with knowing them physically or spiritually. It has to do with knowing them period.....have you lived with them at all? Have you ever lived with anyone for any significant amount of time:? If you have did you not get to know them much better living with them???? It's a question.

Well I can chime in on your question. I dated my ex hubbie for a year, then we moved in together for 4 years, then were married for 5 years. From my experience I believe a persons true self emerges when living together. It's too hard to hide who we truly are as individuals. Now I'm speaking more about the quirks or habits we all have that for us is 'normal' everyday behavior, but to another person seems ridiculous. My ex did things that made me crazy, like spit loogies in the open bathroom trash can instead of the toilet. WTF Yuk! He didn't see the problem, "its the bathroom."

It's the depth of a persons behavior that, in my opinion, can only be discovered when we share time and intimate space together. So although we aren't MWI, and have spent weeks at a time under the same roof, I expect that I will discover more about my man when he comes home and we are living together. And truthfully I'm really excited about the new and wonderful things we will discover about each other...even the quirky stuff that I know is gonna irk my nerves.

**Patty** · #16 06-02-2012, 01:16 AM

I think that the only people that can truly understand really knowing someone before he or she gets out of prison are those who have had the experience. It seems like a foreign concept to most others and that is understandable. It's not necessarily for them to understand.

I think that in some MWI relationships the dynamics are such that it is not possible for the two parties involved to accomplish this thing we are referring to as "truly knowing" one another. Of course in some instances it is because one or both parties has lied or held back information. In other cases it is simply not the way one or both engages the other in communication prior to release. This doesn't mean there is necessarily going to be a negative impact on the relationship once the incarcerated loved one comes home but that there will be more to learn together.

For Sebastian and I, we knew each other, yes "truly knew" each other. There were no suprises when he came home to me except that things went even more smoothly than we predicted. Some times things fall into place that way, but I cannot dismiss the great efforts we put into our relationship via phone, letters, and visits prior to his release. We had a great desire to "truly know" one another and made that a priority. I should add that it flowed quite easily from the very start, some things are just meant to be and so our amazing journey continues...

Lily Blaise · #17 06-02-2012, 04:39 AM

Patty, I loved your post!

I don't believe either way of getting to know your loved one, whether that is on the inside or the outside, is more valid than the other. In a MWI relationship, I feel inside/outside are just different phases of experiencing one another that reflect 'proximity' more than anything else, and certainly they don't indicate whether or not you 'truly know' one another.

I think MWI couples have so many uniquely wonderful, as well as difficult experiences. How these experiences are shared together reveals a lot about the people in the relationship and the quality of the relationship itself. Getting to know one another in this special and unique way is probably not possible in non-MWI relationships. So, I don't feel you can only truly know your partner when they are out. Being outside or inside enables us to get to know each other in different ways that don't necessarily reflect the quality of the relationship or the degree of knowing one another.

Tela · #18 06-02-2012, 06:49 AM

So ELOQUENTLY PUT...Thank You for that...open-minded breezy response.

QUOTE=Lily Blaise;6796846]Patty, I loved your post!

I don't believe either way of getting to know your loved one, whether that is on the inside or the outside, is more valid than the other. In a MWI relationship, I feel inside/outside are just different phases of experiencing one another that reflect 'proximity' more than anything else, and certainly they don't indicate whether or not you 'truly know' one another.

I think MWI couples have so many uniquely wonderful, as well as difficult experiences. How these experiences are shared together reveals a lot about the people in the relationship and the quality of the relationship itself. Getting to know one another in this special and unique way is probably not possible in non-MWI relationships. So, I don't feel you can only truly know your partner when they are out. Being outside or inside enables us to get to know each other in different ways that don't necessarily reflect the quality of the relationship or the degree of knowing one another.[/quote]

P'sWoman · #19 06-02-2012, 07:21 AM

We are MWI and I know my partner as much as anyone can in the given situation. I know his family, actually quite close with them, and they share a lot of information about him which helps to shed light on his upbringing, background on his behaviour and what led him to prison. We spent a lot of time talking, sharing our life story. There are things about him that he has never told anyone else, things from the past that he has only shared with me. We talk on the phone constantly, we write letters and I visit frequently. All these things have proven to be quite valuable and is helping us greatly to "get to know" each other. Are there days that I have doubts or questions even with all of this - of course. Recently on a visit, he did some stupid thing - threw a piece of paper to the flow - and my immediate reaction was "pick it up!" and he gave me a shocked look, his response to my barking that command at him. This led to an interesting discussion about our likes and dislikes around the home and how should we communicate them. So, while he didn't mind my wanting the paper picked up although it was on prison property, he prefer me to make my desire known in more polite language. Point taken and appreciated. So we both have work to do - obviously.

We are hoping to have "conjugal visits" soon and while sex is uppermost in our minds

we are also seeing it as another opportunity for us too learn more about each other and our ways. Here in Canada these visits can last for up to 72 hours and is in an apartment type setting, so this will give us a chance to cook, clean, sleep, relax together. He will get to hear me ease my body and I will get to ask him to turn down the toilet seat. We will hear each other snoring and decide whether we will need to invest in ear plugs

So I am agreeing and not agreeing with some of the comments made. You can know your mate even though you have not lived together - but you know what you are told - by him and others - and what you manage to see in visits. You get to know him/her much better and deeply when you live together and more important you get to know yourself in relation to you MWI. Reading the comments on PTO, unfortunately sometimes in our deep love and affection for our partners and in consideration of their situation we overlook the red flags, I am guilty of that as well, flags that we might not have overlooked if we were living together. It is not about being free or not free, in my opinion, it is a more a matter of accepting that we all have some faults, issues, quirks that can be glimpsed through calls, letters, visits but others that can only come to light being with each other 24/7. It is not a black or white issue - either/or but both/and.

ryansbabe11 · #20 06-02-2012, 07:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JKB's Girl

Just one question, is anyone that's answering yes, they really know their guy ever lived with them? What time have you had with them? 15 minute phone calls? A few hours to visit, how often?

Just curious. This has nothing to do with knowing them physically or spiritually. It has to do with knowing them period.....have you lived with them at all? Have you ever lived with anyone for any significant amount of time:? If you have did you not get to know them much better living with them???? It's a question.

Since we're MWI no we never lived together but I don't believe you can't know someone bc you didn't live with them. I spent 7 yrs in a relationship with my sons father and he doesn't know half the things about me that Ryan does.
We talk about things and i'll tell him this is how I am so don't be surprised and he does the same. I include him in my everyday life...our life.
To answer your other question we are lucky bc he can pretty much call anytime he's out for rec which some days is in the morning, afternoon and night. On average i talk to him about 3 to 4 hrs a day sometimes more. Visits are a few times per month. And our MWI situation is a little different than others so I had a lot of time to spend with him. I'm sure a lot of people doubt MWI relationships and if the people can really know each other but everyone's situation is different so I would say yes it is possible to know someone without living together if both people are honest and discuss issues that deal with everyday life.

lil peep · #21 06-02-2012, 07:43 AM

This is an argument where I can see both sides. However I've lived with someone before and compared to that relationship, my man and I know each other on a much deeper level even though we've never lived together or spent time outside of those walls. My ex and I were together for three years and I didn't know his medical history, I didn't know things that had happened in his past, there were things we simply never talked about. He didn't know the real me and I didn't feel comfortable enough in our relationship to let myself open up. So did I really know him? Or did he know me? Hell no! Yeah I knew his bathroom routine and I knew how he interacted with other people and I could tell you how/if he folded his clothes. But those things aren't what's important.

I may not know how my love will adjust coming home after so long, but I do know he gives everything 110% and this won't be any different. I'm not expecting a fairy tale...I know his flaws, his strengths, I know he can ask for help. He knows me better than anyone else. Letters and phone calls let us get to know each other and I expect him coming home to simply deepen our connection.

To say you can't know someone at all until you've spent time with them on the outside is shortsighted I think. Every relationship is different and the people involved aren't cookie-cutter versions of someone else. Lots of relationships don't work, I'm not denying that and you often see the women come back and say he was someone else when he came home. However, I think it's unfair to say all MWI couples should wait to marry until the man comes home b/c they don't know each other or that they can't possibly know each other simply through letters and phone calls. Do you know everything about someone after 20 years together? What about couples whose men are serving 10, 20 or life sentences? Do they not know their men simply because he's never been home?

I will say that after three years, I know a lot more about my man than I did after 6 months. When I think about if he had come home when we originally planned, we probably would have struggled more with him being home than we will with him coming home now. But relationships are constantly evolving. No matter how you met or how you are working your relationship, how well you know someone now is going to be different than you'll know them given more time and different circumstances.

Tela · #22 06-02-2012, 08:28 AM

I just had an epiphany while sitting here watching my phone light up with email notifications on this thread....I HAD NO IDEA I WAS IN A "MWI RELATIONSHIP UNTIL I STUMBLED UPON THIS SITE...and too add to it ...I CERTAINLY WAS COMPLETELY CLUELESS TO THESE RELATIONSHIPS BEING VIEWD AS TABOO (if you will)..i simply met a man thru a very good friend of mind who is his distant cousin and we fell in love and i was privy to just about every dynamic of his life i personally didnot go into this rrelationship blind and NOT do some digging into this man i was catching feelings for(which is something i wud do had he been incarcerated or not)..i meet his family, made trips to Cali to stay with his mom..sister..cousins..aunts etc.his mom shared different stigories about my shuggs when he was growing up...saw baby pics of him..played on the floor with his FIRST and ONLY grandson that he has never held,i even pulled credit reports on him to see whats going on in that area b/c i do plan on marrying him..listen, some folk just cant fathom things they dont understand but thats okay it really is...the only people who truly know if their relationship is one of substance are the two who are in it..and ONLY time will tell if they'll be successful or not...unfortunnately there are more horror stories about MWI so of course most will frown upon it but trust me there are a small percentage that Flourish and im a member of that group.

#LIVE AND LET LIVE

lilma110687 · #23 06-02-2012, 08:29 AM

I just want to chime in here. I had a MWI, who turned out to be nothing like he "said" but to go along with what others have said "honesty" is important. He told me all the things he was going to do, but I should have paid more attention to his actions. There were a lot of red flags. So, I think if you are not as blind as I was, it can work great. But it takes work on both ends. Actions speak louder than words!

StayShort · #24 06-02-2012, 09:10 AM

John Wayne Gacy's second wife had no idea of his early crimes. She had no idea what type of man he really was, she married him and lived with him. There are a good bit of other stories like that. Then there are several stories of MWI relationships where when the man or woman comes home they are nothing like they were while incarcerated. It happens in all situations. Like others have said its about honesty, but how do we know what they tell us is honest? We dont we just have to trust them. All relationships require trust no matter what type relationship it is. I believe a person is capable of seeing what type person their LO is. Some choose to ignore the bad and keep living in a dream world. As long as you pay attention to everything and put forth a lot of time getting to know your LO, I believe you can truly know them while locked up.

tabathapope1 · #25 06-02-2012, 05:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tela

Yeah well call me cooky!! Lol! Trust me ive been called worst! But i DO KNOW MY MAN ...SPIRITUALLY !!! i dont need to live with him physically to know our love has been birthed my God...forgive me im one who doesnt see things "fleshly" so in that respect is where i speak...everyones walk IS DIFFERENT.

I agree with u! I know my mans heart and soul!!!! Anything else well I guess I will that once he gets out lol