Why do some women give so much??

[precioustime]

As I've read through these threads I see alot messages about women who seems to give and give and give and get nothing in return. I see alot written about his feelings, his wants, him being upset, sad, angry, hurt, lonely, tired, stressed and the list goes on and on. In a lot of them I don't read about how you bust your butt, go out of your way, spend your time, use your resources to get no appreciation or consideration for what YOU"RE feeling or doing in return!!!! It's all about them-what about you? Sometimes I wanna say "uhhhhhmmm, ok enough with the coddling of these men, they are not your children!!" Maybe if they didn't have someone making things so easy for them they'd think again before doing something to go back. What is it that makes you continue to do and get his ass in return? Don't get me wrong I have feelings too and I feel sorry for my lO's situation to-but at the end of the day I didn't put him there, his choices did.

[Mrs.taylor2011]

im with you on that!!!

[Eternal Sunshine]

I couldn't agree with you more. Some men don't mind going back because they know someone on the outside (wife, girlfriend, etc) will be there holding them down yet again and sacrificing for them yet again. Some of these men are put on a pedestal while the women suffers, but the woman is the one who puts him there most of the time by treating him like a king and ignoring herself. YOU should always put yourself and your needs first before any man and his needs. Don't ignore the most important person in your life--yourself!

[Mrs.taylor2011]

a man will only do what you allow him to do..some women feel like they NEED aman in their life...so they take the man shit & does EVERYTHING to try to keep him happy . some spend hundreds of $$$ of these inmates & they still treat em like shit .$$ cant buy love. some just dont know their worth or have low self esteem

[Frog88]

I don't disagree with you but Love is blind

[Lisa Jeanne]

How refreshing and real. You are a woman who stands in her power and an example to be followed.

[Lisa Jeanne]

Originally Posted by Chris' Lady

I don't disagree with you but Love is blind

Is not "love is blind" a choice??? When we choose to be blind we must accept the consequences of that choice. Instead, many will conveniently forget that they made this choice and see and experience themselves as victims. Some people have selective memory when it comes to the unspoken choices they have made. Some people like to be victims.

[143forever]

I get what your saying. I think sending $200-$300 a month is a bit much considering i spend that much in rent alone lol. But i also understand why some enjoy doing nice things for their men. We cant shower them with affection and love physically so some use money and items as a way to do that instead. I don't think their intentions are to spoil them or make prison more 'enjoyable'. Is that even even possible? To make prison an enjoyable place? Even with money on their books and ramen noodles in their stomach im still pretty sure they would rather be home then locked up.

My pal has sent me 3 lovely little gifts this month and never asked for anything in return. However i do plan to slip him 30-50 next payday as his birthday is at the end of this month and i would like him to get some goodies along with extra stamps. Sue me for trying to make his days a little brighter lol. My needs are taken care of, my son is spoiled rotten, and i always pamper myself first. I'll send him some of the extra play money i have. No biggie? Its not an amount im going to miss anyway.

I see both sides to this. To each their own. No need to be upset about what other people are sending their LOs. Kind of a waste of energy if you ask me.

[wife2countryboy]

Originally Posted by Mrs.taylor2011

a man will only do what you allow him to do..some women feel like they NEED aman in their life...so they take the man shit & does EVERYTHING to try to keep him happy . some spend hundreds of $$$ of these inmates & they still treat em like shit .$$ cant buy love. some just dont know their worth or have low self esteem

You are right, some women do feel like they NEED a man. Honestly, I don't need one. I have a job, I own my home free and clear, I am a good person with a lot to offer. I don't NEED my husband. I do however WANT him. There is a clear difference that I know and recognize. The FIRST time he acted toward me like I owed him anything would be the last time. We would have ourselves a "coming to Jesus" meeting and he would know exactly what I thought of his attitude. I have stood behind him in the past and will now because i love him, not because I need him or feel obligated to do so. The only person I owe anything to other than God is myself. He got himself in to this whole mess, I am not the one who chose to go drinking with my little worthless buddy and drive a car with no license, that is on him. He got himself there and not much he can do about it now. He knows that was his choice and the choice to stay is mine. If he ends up doing time for this latest stunt, he will get only the money he needs for basic items, there will be no rewards for acting like a simpleton. Those extras will go toward me and what I need. I am not about to do without so he can have whatever he wants. Been there, done that, not doing it again.

[DougsCandy]

I am a woman hear me ROAR. Thats right girl..

[Patty]

One thing we must remember is that some people (men and women) are "givers" by nature. I think that to examine the issue one must take a lot into consideration. Certainly we read posts from members that touch a chord within us - we find their situations unbearable, we cannot see ourselves in that type of relationship, so on and so forth. The truth is we only see one side of what is actually going down.

It's not as though the situations are related ONLY to relationships with an incarcerated individual. Most of us have known a family member or friend that in our opinion (and let's face it opininion is all it is) that "put up" with too much shit from their significant other, and nobody was doing time. When it comes to those who are literally and undeniably doing all the giving and getting little if any return on the investment we still have to know that we don't know all the ins and outs of who they are as individuals and as a couple. Previous experiences have a way of carrying over into current situations even when they do so inconspicuously.

The notion which for some is very real - that a man will not get himself into trouble or go back to the joint if he is truly in love with his woman really does not apply to all situations. Although I've never been to the joint, I can tell you as sure as I'm sitting here that if I had my back against the wall and someone came after my family the circumstances could lead me right there. Does that mean I don't love my man or my children enough? The example is extreme perhaps but we can't judge unless we've walked a mile in those shoes.

I understand the frustration that most of us have felt at one time or another when we read about what others are going through and often it seems they are willing participants in their own misery. When I respond I know that the experience I share or advice I lend may fall on deaf ears, that's okay though. If you put it out there, someone will see the value even if it is not the intended someone.

There is a reason for everything that happens. Sometimes its not as clear cut as we think it is based on a few words typed in a forum on the internet. I accept that, offer what I can, and keep it moving. Damn, I wish I had some kind of super power that would allow all people to be happy and in the right relationship at the right time for the right reasons. At the end of the day, I know that's just not how life works.

[sarbear831]

I do not NEED J in my life. I want him there. I work, i pay MY bills, take care of myself and my son. He comes second over our needs and he knows it. This week i didnt have any extra money to send him, told him to ration his food and deal with it. He has only asked me for money one time and that was right after he went in, he needed money to buy some clothes. Otherwise any money that is sent to him is because i want to and it is only sent after making sure mine and my sons needs are met first and foremost.

[canadiangirl098]

my man isnt able to send me stuff because he doesnt have any money for the canteen but he does write to me and he has never asked me to send him money because he knows money is tight he did ask me if i could to send him some puzzle books a few months ago and i was going to do that but found out cant send them however i have sent him 3 cards but he never asked me to do it i did it because i wanted too and only thing he has ever asked me to as in finding out stuff for him or relaying messages is one was to get addy for his bank for him and contact his sister for him and relay a message to her which i have her on facebook so i dont mind doing that if he writes me and there for dont have the free letter to write to his sister

[froggie01]

I don't think the problem is giving in general, it is giving when you get nothing in return. I agree with the op you see it a lot on here about how they do so much and get nothing in return. You also see a lot of excuses and every time I read one I wonder would they accept that in the free world because imo just cause they are locked up doesn't mean you have to lower your standards on your relationship. So the ones where it is a 50/50 relationship there is nothing wrong with giving, but when you get nothing back and are treated like crap and yet choose to turn a blind eye and keep giving that's what I don't understand. Just my opinion.

[Mrs.taylor2011]

Originally Posted by 143forever

I get what your saying. I think sending $200-$300 a month is a bit much considering i spend that much in rent alone lol. But i also understand why some enjoy doing nice things for their men. We cant shower them with affection and love physically so some use money and items as a way to do that instead. I don't think their intentions are to spoil them or make prison more 'enjoyable'. Is that even even possible? To make prison an enjoyable place? Even with money on their books and ramen noodles in their stomach im still pretty sure they would rather be home then locked up.

My pal has sent me 3 lovely little gifts this month and never asked for anything in return. However i do plan to slip him 30-50 next payday as his birthday is at the end of this month and i would like him to get some goodies along with extra stamps. Sue me for trying to make his days a little brighter lol. My needs are taken care of, my son is spoiled rotten, and i always pamper myself first. I'll send him some of the extra play money i have. No biggie? Its not an amount im going to miss anyway.

I see both sides to this. To each their own. No need to be upset about what other people are sending their LOs. Kind of a waste of energy if you ask me.

i dont think shes saying that shes saying WHY are these woman doing so much for a man thats treating them like shit.not how much they send a man per month

[Purplegirl1008]

The thing I give my man the most is love. Yes I have sent money, but it hasn't been much. I can barely afford myself so I can't just hand out a bunch of money to him. The main thing I spend on is the phone. Since letters take so long, and he hates to write, we talk on the phone instead of writing. It's what gets me through these hard days. If I couldn't talk to him on the phone, then I don't think I could do it. It would be super hard for me to do the next 2 months with no communication at all.

He will never get more than I can afford to do. So I don't feel used because of that. And if he started getting upset that I am not sending more, then I would be gone. But he knows I'm a poor college student so he doesn't ask for much.

[shaywow]

This is EXACTLY why I dnt like sharing my relationship business with alot of people because people are so quick to point out what u are doing 2 much of or 2 little of. AS long as the man is happy and your are happy who the hell is sum 1 else 2 criticize what you give 2 you man? I dnt frequently put $ on his books, but I sure dont fault the ones who do!

[precioustime]

I completely agree, that a man will only treat you how you allow them to. I am also a giving person by nature and like to do the little things that make people happy-not just for my bf but for friends and family included. Unfortunately, you have those who mistake kindness for weakness. That being said-there comes a point with some people that it's almost like you're in a relationship by yourself almost completely onesided. Not getting mail for extended periods, crappy visits time after time, demanding money, other women, lie after lie, no understanding, no effort, etc.....Then doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results and wondering why you're being treated like a doormat and feel like you're being unappreciated and taken advantage of. Ummmmm, because you are and you're continuously allowing it-instead of taking a stand and asserting yourself. Is it for fear that if you gave them the choice of acting like he's got some sense about how he treats you in this relationship or you'll walk- that he won't do it??

I've put money on the phone, gone for visits, put a couple of dollars in his commisary before he got a job so that's not an issue. Once someone starts acting like you owe them something and they are treating you like shit-thats what you get from me SHIT!!

[143forever]

Originally Posted by Mrs.taylor2011

i dont think shes saying that shes saying WHY are these woman doing so much for a man thats treating them like shit.not how much they send a man per month

I took it financially. What else could you do for a man in prison? Continue to write even though they are disrespectful to them? Offer support and get nothing in return? I've never read a situation like that on here yet but if i did i wouldn't think much of it. Its not my relationship or friendship so i don't know why she would put up with that but i've got to believe there is a reason behind it. Would i let someone step all over me? No. But i've never been put in a situation where thats happened.

Some people thrive off of being disrespected. I know girls who are like that out here in the free world. The worse they treat her the more she loves them. People are wired differently. Best explanation i can give. As long as its not happening to you, its still a waste of energy to get upset about.

[precioustime]

Originally Posted by Mrs.taylor2011

i dont think shes saying that shes saying WHY are these woman doing so much for a man thats treating them like shit.not how much they send a man per month

Thank you. To the point.

[wife2countryboy]

Originally Posted by Patty

One thing we must remember is that some people (men and women) are "givers" by nature. I think that to examine the issue one must take a lot into consideration. Certainly we read posts from members that touch a chord within us - we find their situations unbearable, we cannot see ourselves in that type of relationship, so on and so forth. The truth is we only see one side of what is actually going down.

It's not as though the situations are related ONLY to relationships with an incarcerated individual. Most of us have known a family member or friend that in our opinion (and let's face it opininion is all it is) that "put up" with too much shit from their significant other, and nobody was doing time. When it comes to those who are literally and undeniably doing all the giving and getting little if any return on the investment we still have to know that we don't know all the ins and outs of who they are as individuals and as a couple. Previous experiences have a way of carrying over into current situations even when they do so inconspicuously.

The notion which for some is very real - that a man will not get himself into trouble or go back to the joint if he is truly in love with his woman really does not apply to all situations. Although I've never been to the joint, I can tell you as sure as I'm sitting here that if I had my back against the wall and someone came after my family the circumstances could lead me right there. Does that mean I don't love my man or my children enough? The example is extreme perhaps but we can't judge unless we've walked a mile in those shoes.

I understand the frustration that most of us have felt at one time or another when we read about what others are going through and often it seems they are willing participants in their own misery. When I respond I know that the experience I share or advice I lend may fall on deaf ears, that's okay though. If you put it out there, someone will see the value even if it is not the intended someone.

There is a reason for everything that happens. Sometimes its not as clear cut as we think it is based on a few words typed in a forum on the internet. I accept that, offer what I can, and keep it moving. Damn, I wish I had some kind of super power that would allow all people to be happy and in the right relationship at the right time for the right reasons. At the end of the day, I know that's just not how life works.

That would have been me. I married my ex-husband when I was 16. He beat me, cheated on me, and did things I am too ashamed to tell another soul. Yet I stayed. That marriage taught me what I will and will not tolerate from my current husband. I get irritated with him, but I know as flawed as he is he would never abuse me and for that reason I am able to look past some of his problems and try and work toward the future I know we are capable of having.

[143forever]

Originally Posted by precioustime

Thank you. To the point.

The question was why do woman give so much. I answered it how i took it. Just giving my opinion on giving. No big deal.

[wife2countryboy]

Originally Posted by shaywow

This is EXACTLY why I dnt like sharing my relationship business with alot of people because people are so quick to point out what u are doing 2 much of or 2 little of. AS long as the man is happy and your are happy who the hell is sum 1 else 2 criticize what you give 2 you man? I dnt frequently put $ on his books, but I sure dont fault the ones who do!

I don't either. Each person will handle this ride differently. It doesn't make them any better or worse than me. We all have different boundaries in our relationships, the key is finding what we are willing to do or not do. Once we know what we are willing to do we shouldn't allow anyone to make us feel guilty and that includes our men.

[MnNice]

My man has never asked or said he needed money from me. When I got a big check back in Feb I sent 200 but all together in the year and a half he had been in I have sent probably 300. His family sends him money, and he knows and even says me and My daughters needs come first, since his are taken care of.

Sent from my HTC Wildfire S using PrisonTalk

[Frog88]

Originally Posted by Lisa Jeanne

Is not "love is blind" a choice??? When we choose to be blind we must accept the consequences of that choice. Instead, many will conveniently forget that they made this choice and see and experience themselves as victims. Some people have selective memory when it comes to the unspoken choices they have made. Some people like to be victims.

A choice? I guess. Doing what the Original post describes is also a choice. Staying with with someone through thick and thin is also a choice. Everything we do in life is out choice to do or not and of course we must deal with the consequences of our action - good or bad. Unfortunately, with love is blind, we tend to put a blind fold on when the bad spits in our face and make excuses for ourselves "I love him.... But he this and he's that" we make excuses in the name of love. Is it right? NO! But remember the blind fold ? It's still covering the eyes of many women.