Why is being "MWI" an excuse when things go wrong?

[MissVal1920]

Back in the day, I remember when we dated someone or was in a relationship with someone, no one ever has issue with how we met when things are going good. But as soon as you bring up an issue, or we broke up, or he used me the first question is always
"oh did you meet him at a bar/club?"
"Did you meet on relay chat?" (y'all young ones don't know nothing about that )
"Did you meet on AOL messenger?"
"Did you meet on Match.com?"

Then you get the pathetic feel sorry for you face if any of the answers are "yes" to those questions...

Nowadays, its not uncommon for people to meet and marry online, find a job online, find roommates, buy furniture, a babysitter, and no longer do most people ask questions like "Ohhhh... did you find x online? Ahhh...I see" LOL

In the Wonderful world of prison wifery, I see and hear this a lot. In various online forums, in person support, or just casual conversation, it seems like the "obvious" first questions when you are discussing an issue, or breakup or any type of discourse in the relationship: "Ohhh, are you guys MWI?" LOL.. Im like WTF?

I was with a man that I knew for YEARS, married and had a child with him and he was the most grimey, lying, so slick he could barely walk straight individual I had the displeasure of ever meeting and never spent a day in jail.

I was in a relationship with a man that I had been BEST friends with for 9 years and when I ended up in ICU he cleaned out my bank account and went back to the wife I didn't know he had. Nope, didn't meet him in prison either...

So, why oh why... is this always the first question when things go bad, but never the question when things are great??

[StayShort]

I believe it's the stigma that comes with it. People hear prison and they already think bad but if they hear you met while in prison then there has to be something wrong with you and he's just using you since he's in prison and of course they are all cons. I really just laugh at that as I had someone once say that to me and I just looked at them and was like"Really"???? Men are men, women are women no matter where you put them or where they put themselves. People just have this preconceived notion that if a guy has a pen pal ad while in prison and meets a women all he will do is lie to her to get money or other things. Those people don't look at the fact that inmates are humans and just want to meet someone, either a friend or a love, but a person in the free world does the same and it's normal. It's all about how people view prisoners. Then you have women who get used and put it on blast so they themselves now look at all inmates the same and go around telling people about this one guy and how all guys in there are like that when in reality some, yes SOME of the time they are just as at fault. Our guys get a bad rap and so do our relationships but all I can do is argue until I'm blue in the face that my relationship isn't different from all the ones on Match.com or all the others.

[Patty]

Originally Posted by MissVal1920

So, why oh why... is this always the first question when things go bad, but never the question when things are great??

They KNOW for a fact you'll brush it off if things are going good. The same people that would remind you that he's incarcerated or you met him online, etc. are thinking it the whole time. It is when they are given an example that things are not going well that they feel free to shout the reason.

[cik607]

Right! When IN FACT, I know him better than any chick he's ever met on the street and even his family because superficiality can't get in the way when all you can do is communicate. SMH

[princesspat]

It does not matter how you meet at all. But I do notice that people think your being played or you must be insecure because you met someone while their in prison. But to me this is bs because you will never know where you find true love.

[krc1abc1]

You know I agree MissVal1920. I have married three times and each man treated me terrible and took advantage of me. None of them have ever been to prison. The most wonderful man I have ever known is a lifer and he has served 34 years in prison and although our road is sometimes rocky due to the circumstances we must live in I wouldn't trade him for the world. He is more honest and has greater integrity than anyone I have ever met. I love him with all my heart.

[MichiJC]

I love this thread! Couldn't have said it better. That is what I have wondered since day one. It is also why I dread the question "how did you meet?" Because I know what comes after that, and you know what? No matter what you say, people will dig for some type of flaw. You could say that he is the son of your parents best friends since childhood, and STILL people will find some reason or excuse once you break up to some how place the blame on how you met. People are too hung up on how couples meet, as if that is what makes or breaks a relationship. But I bet if you did end up with a man who was a family friend, people would say "it's because he is friends with your parents" as some type of excuse for how or why things did not turn out to be a picture perfect relationship.
We, MWI, are viewed as have picked bottom of the barrel in majority of societies eyes so we get targeted even more. I can have a normal bickering with David and some how that means, to other ppl, that we had the fight because he is a prisoner. And I bet you, once he is home and we bicker about something basic like leaving the toilet seat up, someone will say "that's because you met him in prison". It is ridiculous but I do feel sorry for people to be so narrow minded. It is a quick and convenient scape goat people will use against you.
And yes I have heard the justification over and over again, that they are just looking out for my best interest and care about me. 4 years later of the same suspicions, accusations, assumptions, it is not care it is judgment...plain and simple.

[Psychocandy]

People just need someone they think they can look down their nose at...It even happens here on PTO....amongst people who should know better than judge anyone.
I have no problems telling anyone how I met Richie or educating them on how it could possibly happen.

[xanthra]

My son is in prison and any woman he would date would be privledged to have him in her life. He made mistakes like we all do it's just that we may not have gone to prison over them. He is a fantastic 20 year old young man so if he meets a woman while he is in prison she has found a rare gem.
We know the other side of our loved ones who are in prison. Judgemental people do not.

[Kay Diane]

I met my Husband 7 1/2 years ago while he was serving a 15 year sentence. He had done 6 years with 9 years remaining. We got married 1 year later. He is the most wonderful man I've ever known. The 2 guys I dated before him was free and they treated me like garbage.. Now my husband and I are still together and we have 2 small kids together (weekly conjugal visits ) and I still love him with every inch of my body and soul. I get so tired of people trying to down rate our love and marriage like its not real or valid. I've had to get so many people told. They like to make comments like he is just using me and that when he comes home he's gonna leave me. If I don't know nothing else I know he loves me. Just because a man is incarcerated it doesn't automatically makes him no good for a women. If a man is a scum bag it's not because he's locked up its because that's just who he is. People love to judge.. My sister constantly try to put my husband down because he is incarcerated. I turn it back on her, I tell her that she has 5 kids by 4 men and none of them were locked up but all of them used her up and left her. Now we only got 20 months at the most left before he comes home. But I pray daily it will be sooner. I know without a doubt that God placed us together and that we're made for each other. I'm look forward to the day this long journey is over and we can prove everyone wrong that doubted us.. #untildeathdouspart#

[Atomic Songbird]

What one person said earlier in particular really caught my eye; the notion that we in society put way too much emphasis on how couples meet. I couldn't agree more with that sentiment. I think growing up we're all brainwashed into thinking we have to meet our future spouse/lover in some fantastical, worthy-of-a-romantic-comedy kind of way. People picture the wedding day, with the best man standing up with his glass to toast while saying: "I remember the day when they met...you wouldn't believe the hilariously adorable way it happened..."

Everyone flashes to that moment...and then almost seem to judge when it's anything less than fantastical. When in truth most people meet their future lover/spouse in far less glamorous ways. (Blind Dates...online dating...high school sweethearts...college sweethearts...singles nights...) And certainly the judgement comes out even more when the 'origins story' isn't what society would deem "acceptable" (i.e. meeting someone while they're in prison, since after all according to another stereotype all prisoners are "bad people").

To that part of the argument I usually just lift my chin in defiance and declare I have quite an awesome story of how we met, thank you very much; feels to me like my story with J has far more Fate and Destiny Dust sprinkled on it than some people I know! But of course there will always be the doubters and those eager to pass judgement, so it doesn't matter what you say to them.

As for the rest, I think it's also that we as humans are always desperate to assign 'blame' if things don't work out. We want to know what went wrong. Want to identify 'the problem' and then show how we've 'resolved' it so it'll never happen again in the future. And to that end, when a relationship doesn't work out all the uninvited third-party observers come out of the woodwork and start offering their opinions on what went wrong (which usually translates into everyone identifying what was 'different' or 'strange'). And naturally one of the most 'different' or 'strange' things about an MWI relationship is the fact that it's MWI.

If things with J didn't work out for some reason, I wouldn't blame it on the fact that we are MWI. It would simply be because we weren't meant to be, the way any other relationship that ends isn't meant to be. But there will also be the naysayers; and to them I just turn a deaf ear because there's no point in trying to appease people who've clearly already passed judgment and made up their minds regarding a situation they know absolutely nothing about.

[Temeron0926]

Because prison relationships are so misunderstood! People fear what they don't understand. They don't stop to think that there are people out here in the free world who are much more dangerous and abominable then some who are in prison would ever be. When they hear the word "prison" they judge that individual as the worst kind of scum without knowing anything about him/her.

Those of us in the prison world know better, thank God, and we are usually a lot more accepting. That is one reason why only a select few know why my husband is in prison and why I will NEVER defend my relationship to anyone. Good topic!

[SexyChef1]

Ive noticed that as well but I just looked at my profile pic and lordy I look so mean and evil and run down(hard day at work) I bet they think something must be wrong with this woman is why shes with an incarcerated man>No Im with Val Ive met some horrid men who have never set foot in a jail< I met some horrid men from my Masjid or just in the bookstore or my frat brother who may seem like the creme de la creme but behind closed doors its a nitemare. I have a friend who met a good man on Eharmony and they are now engaged and seems like everyone is just waiting on the boo hoo story to come out of her mouth so maybe its just men you meet in prison.

[rainweaver2002]

Why is being MWI an excuse when things go bad? IMO it's because people not in our situation need to pin it on something and jail/prison is the worst thing they can think of. I've been married twice and neither of them treated me nicely. Most of the relationships I'd been in were crappy. Mike treats me better than anyone I've ever been with and that's one of the first things I tell people. I don't care about where he is; he makes me happy.

[JPrasil]

I want to take that and why they always make a big deal about them being in prison/jail. Oh that person is in prison/jail you deserve better. Honestly, I just really think a large majority of the population is judgmental, close-minded, ignorant, etc. or a mixture of those things.

I learn not to base how I feel, think, say or do on those types of people. They will not encourage you, help you move forward or support you but instead bring you down with their negativity and judging.

Unfortunately, they can't look at the big person and see that no matter in prison or out of prison a person can be not a good person. A person doesn't have to be in jail to be bad or whatever - can happen out here too. I just repeated myself.

Any way I agree with you on what you said. I learn now to ignore and shrug off the negativity. Good luck!