Adjustment to this life.

[GuerosMama]

I, as I'm sure all of you, have my moments when the situation becomes overwhelming.

But I went the first 2 years of this without knowing about PTO, and I kind of had to adapt.

I see a lot of women in here sad, depressed, and like I said- I have my days too.

But overall are there any women out there who have adjusted well and are not constantly overcome with missing their LO?

If so, maybe post some tips for adjusting or what you do to keep your mind on the prize? So other women have things to focus on.

For me, like I said, I had no choice- it was adapt or crumple under the weight of it. I chose to adapt, and on a daily basis there really is nothing I have to do to distract myself because it is what it is, and I'm ok with it. But if I'm having a rough day, I might write, or scrapbook. I just don't choose to consume myself with missing him.

So come on strong ladies, throw in some thoughts.

[Geauxin'KraZee]

My man went in Nov. Of 08 and I didn't find this site utntil Oct 2010. So, I know what you mean about having to deal with this head on. I was grateful for finding PTO because it put me amongst people who knew what I was going through and I didn't feel so alone in this. I, for the most part, just kept busy with my family and AA meetings and AA activities. I learned a long time ago that the best way to get out of self pity is to help those who have it worse than you do. And yes, believe it or not, there are people who are a lot worse off. By finding PTO, this site helped me to grow in leaps and bounds in addition to what I've learned in AA. I've made countless friends across the world which I still communicate with to this very day. Although my man is home now, I still come on this site to try and offer my support and a few tips to those who want to listen. My best advise to those of you who are still waiting and having a hard time is simply this.... help others who need you. It will get you out of self pity faster than anything else that I know of. Lastly, pay it forward. Come back on PTO after your LO comes home and offer your wisdom and support.

[Patty]

The best thing that my man and I do is to NOT allow the DOC to dictate the terms of our relationship. Sure, they can keep us physically apart, they make the rules about when he can call or when we can visit but those things are minor to us.

The reason is that we work creatively to spend the time we can in communication that is meaningful. It helps us both to share what is going on, of course this mainly what is going on with me at the present time as prison life doesn't change a whole lot for him on a daily basis but just the same it is important to stay present in one another's life.

I tend to type most of my letters on the computer. I also randomly take pictures with my phone and upload them so that I can paste them into the letters. It is a good way for me to show him what I am writing about. For example, yesterday I was with my niece at the mall and ran into an old friend of ours that we hadn't seen in years. We all decided to have coffee and catch up and I quickly snapped a few pictures and into last nights letters they went. It is a small thing but he enjoys it and it keeps him up-to-date with my comings and goings.

It is hard to be down about a situation when I feel so loved and blessed by this relationship.

[MyBookins]

It took me about a year to realize I had to stop saying I cant wait till you come home cause he has a looooooooooong time and I could tell it hurt him cause he knows he cant promise anything so I woke up and decided to not just make the best of things but realize this is a new life with new circumstances and as with any other day always find joy in the simplest of things I wrote him a list of all the things I live for like his kisses, his love blah blah blah but also my roadtrips to see him! the butterflys I get when getting ready to see him! the russian roulette of wether or not the visiting cos will deny my visit! the romantic lunch dates with vending machine food! & the long ride home when you play the entire visit over and over and over in your mind!!! I never sleep without praying for more strength and patience Ill pray for you too!

[KatieM.]

For the first couple of months it was pretty hard but since then it hasn't been so rough. Honestly, its really only hard on the day after a visit. Otherwise, we are in a great routine with calls, letters and visits and everything else in my life iswhere I putmu main focus. We have kids, I have a career, I have friends, a home to keep running and lots of fun to have. He is very supportive of us having as much fun out here as possible. That helps a lot, not being with someone that expects our lives to stop because he is away for awhile. Instead of focussing on him not being there to enjoy our activities we discuss How we cant wait to tell Dad all about it or share pictures. It has become a family mission to enjoy each moment no matter we are doing and where we are doing it. In general, we are not the downer type so maybe that makes it easier.

[4_U_2_Envie]

Originally Posted by GuerosMama

I, as I'm sure all of you, have my moments when the situation becomes overwhelming.

But I went the first 2 years of this without knowing about PTO, and I kind of had to adapt.

I see a lot of women in here sad, depressed, and like I said- I have my days too.

But overall are there any women out there who have adjusted well and are not constantly overcome with missing their LO?

If so, maybe post some tips for adjusting or what you do to keep your mind on the prize? So other women have things to focus on.

For me, like I said, I had no choice- it was adapt or crumple under the weight of it. I chose to adapt, and on a daily basis there really is nothing I have to do to distract myself because it is what it is, and I'm ok with it. But if I'm having a rough day, I might write, or scrapbook. I just don't choose to consume myself with missing him.




So come on strong ladies, throw in some thoughts.

I have to admit it is very overwhelming for me but I take it one day at a time I stay focused I work and do the usual with my kids. If I wanted to be with my hubby I had to learn to adjust which was difficult and wait patiently. Nothing lasts for ever!!! Of course I think about him 24/7. Its hard not to. A woman has to be head strong to follow thru with this. Its not easy. For all the ladies who are riding with their man, husband, fiancée. KEEP YA HEAD UP!!! They are counting on us to be strong and hold them down. NOTHING LASTS FOREVER.

[Divamc]

I posted this in another thread, but it's still appropriate. I stay productive. When we first got the time, it seemed like a lifetime. I didn't think I could do it. What I have found has helped the most is getting involved with activities that have short timetables (i.e. classes and craft projects). Years can be overwhelming, but when you are making weekly accomplishments, that time goes by faster. I've gotten my degree and a second job. Time management is key for both them in there and us out here.

My husband has been down since 06 and I just found this site a few weeks ago. I'm not really into the "endless love" threads, but I am glad to have found a support mechanism.

[InmateLover67]

Originally Posted by GuerosMama

I, as I'm sure all of you, have my moments when the situation becomes overwhelming.

But I went the first 2 years of this without knowing about PTO, and I kind of had to adapt.

I see a lot of women in here sad, depressed, and like I said- I have my days too.

But overall are there any women out there who have adjusted well and are not constantly overcome with missing their LO?

If so, maybe post some tips for adjusting or what you do to keep your mind on the prize? So other women have things to focus on.

For me, like I said, I had no choice- it was adapt or crumple under the weight of it. I chose to adapt, and on a daily basis there really is nothing I have to do to distract myself because it is what it is, and I'm ok with it. But if I'm having a rough day, I might write, or scrapbook. I just don't choose to consume myself with missing him.

So come on strong ladies, throw in some thoughts.

Stay busy and know that this is a journey. I will be damned if I allow this sentence to break my spirit.....we do what we have to do and make the best of a shitty situation.

Peace~

[Mrs.Best]

My suggestion is to keep the conversation current and not foucs so much on the past. We talk everyday, even if its just for a minute or two. We use to have set times, but he decided to call when I was on his mind the most. I love that, the element of surprise. lol I also write almost everyday, if not several times a day. Also, find the time to do things that you like or have dreamed of doing. It helps the time to past. I cant believe that my husband has been gone a year. Hes older than me and has differnet passions than I do...I love thrill and taking chances. So I've spent the past year finishing my B.A. and search for a Masters program in another state, riding every roller coaster I could, include various thrill seeking adventure such as the zip line. Also, find try to connect with his family. My husbands family loves me. We talk about him often, especially as a child. My family has no clue, they wuld FLIP! My mother is against these types of relationship. So I'm basically grininding his time out in two differnent lives! ...Another full time job!

Hope this helps! Let me know if you need some additional suggestions or help!

[lil peep]

When we first got together, it was hard cause I missed him a lot! At that point we only had letters, so we were writing long letters everyday and I had my daughter to keep me busy. Eventually you get into a routine. I found PTO shortly afterwards and it was a big help because I didn't feel like such a weirdo. The ladies here knew what I was going through and there were quite a few of them who helped me even if they didn't know it. Then once I got a job again that helped keep me busy, we eventually got phone calls so we were doing both.

Honestly the key for me and probably my love too is to have our routine. We know when to expect mail, calls and we know he's coming home. Maybe breaking up the time into segments where you're looking forward to your visit or the next call instead of counting down his whole sentence. Start up with your hobbies again or pick out a new one. Maybe working out or do a summer reading list. Missing him is normal and okay...we all have bad days! But you can't let them consume you. He's still part of your life, you just have to change things up a little bit.

[Melissa&Ryan]

I am new in here and I am having a really hard time adapting to my situation and thought support would help. My boyfriend was incarcerated on June 28th in county jail and will most likely be facing significant time. He is in on a felony DWI. We met after he had been out for almost a year from serving time for his last DWI. He was doing really well, but fell off the wagon and made a damn stupid decision to drive one night after drinking at his house. He had a great job, just bought a house, new truck, found out he had a son from a previous relationship and met him, and was getting his life in order. I guess the hardest thing for me is knowing what to say to him. I love and miss him and I cry a lot because I was used to seeing him every day and the waiting and wondering is the worst. I don't want to let him hear or see me upset because I don't want to make it harder on him, but he is my best friend and sometimes I want to be able to talk about my feelings with him because he can tell when I am saying I am okay, but I am really not. I just don't want him in there worrying about how I am feeling out here. I need him focused on staying out of trouble on the inside and focusing on his case. Is that unrealistic to ask? How do you deal with all of the feelings that come along with being with someone incarcerated??? There are days it is so damn hard, but I absolutely cannot walk away from him. He has my heart and always will.