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katmat1995 · #26 09-19-2004, 10:37 AM

Thanks Val, and Hswatch........I don't know about helping but, sometimes in writing. I can't see where the wrong turns were.......you know I have been so depressed lately. And sometimes it is all I can do to make it through the day......no one really knows how another feels do they?

I wish I could just throw a big party and have all you right here with me.............I spend most my time alone, I have my son and husband. But, you can still be so lonely.
Yall pray for me........Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to be happy..........if anyone knows please share.........Kat

rainydayw · #27 09-19-2004, 02:08 PM

My dearest Kat-what can I say to you that I have not already said?? I love you very much and am so very proud to call you my friend...you and Rosa are the best things to happen to me in years-I just wish there was not so much distance.
You told me once I spoiled you with caring-well that's too bad cause its not gonna stop-you are such a beautiful and caring and giving person who doesn't even truly realize a tiny bit of her own beauty. You keep sharing and giving to all of us here who know you and love you and those who are yet to come-your value in the writing of the words is impossible to put into words.

Love always,

Bonnie (Boops)

MsChiku · #28 09-19-2004, 02:20 PM

(((katmat1995))) I almost couldn't post for my constant tears...Joyous tears, I might add. I wouldn't want you to describe your story with any less details. I love how you gave US the "Real." Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. I am so looking forward to the rest. May God Keep His loving arms around You & Yours. Peace be with you.

katmat1995 · #29 09-19-2004, 02:22 PM

Well thanks most of my story is true. But today. Wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.........I love u all kat

babygirl350 · #30 09-19-2004, 05:54 PM

Well you just cant go to sleep and never wake up, so dont even be thinking that.
If you think you are going to cheat us out of these sequels, you are wrong.
You need to write them just as much as we need to hear them.
Happiness is a state of mind. We are in control of our mind.
One day Kat when you write the final sequel, I promise you, you will be happy. You will have found it then and have a peace within you like you havent had before.
Take care my wonderful friend and be well. Know that we are all rooting for you.
Remember Hope is a good thing it springs life eternal.

FriscoLady · #31 09-19-2004, 06:07 PM

I could not have said it any better babygirl. Kat we are always here for you.

Patti

babygirl350 · #32 09-19-2004, 06:24 PM

Patti - You have got that right, we are always here for you Kat. You have my home #, work #, cell#, email addy and PTO. If you cant reach me night or day at any of these places, then I am six feet under, with the exception of visiting my husband of course. Then you can always try Bonnie and if you cant reach her, then you had better get on here and give a shout out, you need some help now. Right now, no excuses either.

katmat1995 · #33 09-20-2004, 02:30 PM

Man, how can I quit now.......so I was depressed yesteday.....and some today. My 17 year old called me early this morning and said. She is leaving her fiance and moving 2 hours away.........with someone from her past which I don't know what to do. I can pull her car. Make her come home. But, right now I can't even reach her.........so this is where I will begin today.

So, I had given my kids my husband everything. Lost my job. My dad had bought a place on the lake when I was 12. He had an old trailor on it. So I called and told him I had just lost my job and could we move to the lake to safe money. So he told me the place would be mine one day. So, he put it in my name and Marks and we bought a new trailor and here I sit. I can look out the window and see the lake. Which I love.

Ok......the methadone followed me here......I ended up losing my jewerly, my savings, and my mind. Not to count the weight I was gaining.........And I would sit here and let everyone think I was doing fine........well I wasn't I was falling apart.......and letting myself go.......during this time had it not been for Babygirl and Rainyday I would have ended it a while back.........they would email me and talk to me.

Yet I still hid the fact that I had been taking methadone for two years now. As for as parole. My last time to report he drug tested me.......and by the grace of God I passed. And was released........from parole........

OK this will sum it up in a nut shell and I am open for questions.........

Today I have had no methadone in 6 weeks........my son rides motorcross and is great. Babygirl has kept my spirits up and I haven't jumped off the peir outside. (YET)
I have lost 14 pounds......I still feel bad, I still get depressed. And I don't do so great most days.......Someday prison was better than the days I spend home. I am going to a job fair Fri. (so pray for me). I want say I am totally clean ,but am working on it.....
as to the person who ask the question what did I do.

My sentence was 15 years running CC with 15 years. I did right at three years.
(Receiving stolen property, with 4 prior felonies).........

I stay close to home and don't have any friends here.........UHm my husband and I are still together.......

But, if I can stress one thing enough it would be......don't blame your ex for his past . Esp. if you were part of it........maybe you didn't help him/she commit the crime. And you couldn't stop it. But please forgive and change before they come home.......

As for me I still have alot of shame a guilt. I don't know ever I will ever forgive myself for the people I hurt........but I have ask for there forgiveness.........and that matters to me.

And to everyone at PTO.........even names not mentioned you know who you are, thank you for all your support and lending ears....and prayers........Kat

samiam158 · #34 09-20-2004, 06:19 PM

{{{{{HUGS}}}}} i thought you were talking about the first post on this thread....come on KAT stay with us.....I CARE
love ya
christine

BrandNewGirl · #35 09-20-2004, 06:51 PM

Kat, you are an AMAZING woman! I am so impressed with you--thank you for sharing your situation with us. I admire you.

Nancy

katmat1995 · #36 09-20-2004, 08:57 PM

Cristine, I love you to........I got a call from county jail two hours away and they have my daughter....seems she had a fit in front of some pizza place. But they are releasing her to drive herself home......I am glad you called me tonight. My spirits are better.......you have always been here for me........you were my first real friend here. Don't think I don't remember........take it as you may. But you are a God send to me.
And Brandons girl. I am no one to be admired........believe me. I stuggle each day to make it to the next........but I thank you anyway.........Kat

BrandNewGirl · #37 09-21-2004, 06:53 AM

Ah Kat, but you are to be admired! You made it through your time, and you continue to make it, day by day. Not without struggles, but you don't give up, and that, my friend, makes you worthy of admiration!

Nancy

babygirl350 · #38 09-21-2004, 02:14 PM

Kat, running on my last minute before work. But you have to know your parents forgive you otherwise they wouldn't of given you the lot.
Give up the ideas on the pier also. We are all here for you.
As far as your daughter, things will work out the way they are suppose to work out.
You just work on taking care of you. Right now you are the most important person.
Since you dont have friends there by you, have you checked into any support groups. You know they have them all over, even in the tiny town I live in.
Maybe this could help you.
Keep focusing on our visit, it is coming soon.
Take care and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Much love to you.
Remember Hope is a good thing, it springs life eternal.
Don't forget PTO is here 24/7 and rainydayw stays on late. No excuses for not reaching anyone.

katmat1995 · #39 09-22-2004, 07:41 AM

gosh .......thanks for the admiration.......Nancy......I have just don't see me as other do.......just when you thing you have it....you get a slap in the face.......right now my daughter is 17 and doing drugs.......she thinks she has no problem......talks to me like dirt under her feet......

I decided last night it was time to let all my guilt and shame go........now I am gonna be a bitch and take her car......she wants to act grown so , lets let her be grown.....besides the car is in my name. And if she wrecks it.....it is my ass......

Yes, I have lived with guilt for the past three years. For having to leave them.....but no longer.....I am here now.....it is time to step up........

And Babygirl.........no peir jumping today.......besides I would just swim back.......and I don't have to say how I feel about you.......you already know........Kat

DeniseJJ · #40 09-22-2004, 09:15 AM

KAT, I"m glad to see you standing your ground the the daughter. I myself have a 17 year old son that just loves to run me in the dirt. and i (like you) have had enough of his mess. i took the car, i took the cell phone, i even took the computer...and we are on the 3rd day. he's already coming around. he has a job but i didn't cave and letting him drive to work (only a block away) so he ended up walking there..my phone (home) is ringing off the hook becuase the cell phone is off...

besides all that his attude has improved a good bit too so hang it there after all we are still the MOM....no matter what mistakes we've made, i'm for one ant about to make another one...

babygirl350 · #41 09-22-2004, 11:18 AM

Kat - You have already paid a high enough price for your guilt. You do not have to continue to beat yourself up over it. You may have lost some years with the kids in being here for them, however, you are here for them now and that is what counts.
Just take care of you.
Remember Hope is a good thing, it springs life eternal.

Her_True_One · #42 09-22-2004, 10:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by katmat1995

gosh ............but no longer.....I am here now.....it is time to step up......

If you can re-capture that feeling when you walk into the job fair you will walk away from it with second interviews scheduled, job offers made, and an invatation from the owner to take over management of the job fair!

katmat1995 · #43 09-23-2004, 01:38 AM

True one.........I sure hope your right......got the dress pressed and ready to go........man I can walk the walk and talk the talk.........but it's the freaking background checks and the little box on the application that say's

Have you ever been convicted of a felony?

Keep me in your prayers that someone there can overlook my past. And see me for whom I am today

.........well maybe not today, today I am a mess.......but see me for my expertise...........Kat

babygirl350 · #44 09-23-2004, 11:15 AM

Well walking the walk and talking the talk is a big part of landing a job. Don't forget you also have a good work history of experience. Sure, you have that little box to deal with, so you will deal with it. Someone is going to give you a break.
You will go and do what you have to do and then watch how many offers come in.
You know your charges are alot easier to explain and be dealt with than some people's.
Someone might have a concern with other charges, but I doubt very seriously with yours.
Hold that head up high Kat, you can do this.
Remember Hope is a good thing, it springs life eternal.

katmat1995 · #45 09-23-2004, 07:39 PM

I can always count on you for support.........I am so thankful for you........You are def. at the top of my graditude list.......kat

babygirl350 · #46 09-23-2004, 08:10 PM

Well that road runs both ways you know.
Good luck tomorrow. You can do it. You go girl! Show them just what you are capable of doing and accomplishing for them. Any company would certainly advance ahead with you at the helm.
Remember Hope is a good thing, it springs life eternal.

Valerie · #47 09-23-2004, 08:22 PM

Good luck Kat, keeping fingers crossed for you!

jftazzy102 · #48 09-23-2004, 09:16 PM

Kat, Good luck. They should be lucky to have a woman like you. As far as the guilt let it go. The guilt is what will TAKE you back out. I know. I am a recovering alocholic and addict also. Girl, so what you screwed up. You were gone 3 yrs. Not a life time. You were not gone forever and ever. You were still there for them, Maybe not they way they wanted you to be but you were. You don't deserve to be treated like dirt. You are not dirt nor will you ever be dirt!!!!! Since you have been home it sounds like to me you have bent over backwards for your family. Girl, you have NOTHING to be guilty over. What is done is done. You can't take it back. You can not regret your pass nor wish to shut the door on it. You are doing a great job here helping others that have their hands reached out to you. Now let us help you when your hand is stretched out to us. Just remeber I love you and will pray for you. We will always be here for you Kat. Love Jeanne

katmat1995 · #49 09-24-2004, 02:53 AM

Thanks, I am working on being stronger........and letting all of it go....and I hope each of you know how thankful I am for you........Kat

babygirl350 · #50 09-24-2004, 03:20 PM

Jeanne has got it right, let us help you just as you have helped us. The past is done we cannot change it, all we have is the moment, what we do with this moment. There is no promise of tomorrow. So all we can do is to take care of today and take care of you Kat. It is time for some Kat time.
Remember Hope is a good thing, it springs life eternal.