Depressed

[dlyles]

Ok, here's my story. I haven't had a car for about a year and was out of work for about 3 months and as, my wife's bid has been harder for all of us. We haven't been down there, and haven't had money to talk on the phone like we want to. I started back to work, got my first check and told her I was renting a car to come down there. I thought about it and realized I shouldn't spen the 100 it would cost me to get there. My phone hasn't been working so when she calls I don't hear it ring. Well it's working now and she's calling, but she thinks the phone isn't working but I could tell she called because there was a message that said "you have a collect call from 'change the message if you're not coming' at a correcitional..." I got home 5 minutes after her last call. Now I'm sitting here hoping she calls back and wondering if she's mad we're not down there. I want to get down there and I'm mad that I'm not. I know I'm making little or no sense, but I'm depressed today and wanted to share it. I was happy to finally getting a pay check, but depressed that I still can't make our lives a little better. I'm hoping she understands that if we wait a month or so, everything will be good. I wish I didn't tell her I was coming

[1dayatatime]

Dyles,
I understand your frustration. I know she wanted you to come but she will understand you gotta get back on your feet. You got two kids to raise, Christmas coming and winter clothes to buy. Write her a nice long letter again explaining things. She may be a little upset initially but only because she had her hopes up but she will come around.

I know its tough but you are a wonderful father and husband---dont forget it!!

ONE

[haswtch]

Its an awful feeling isn't it. Every bone in your body wants to do the basic decent thing and call to say, sorry hon, can't make it, and you can't and you're left wondering about her being left wondering...Sucks lemons!

[jftazzy102]

Dyles, man hang in there. You are an excellent father and excellent husband. Look it is hard being in the position that we are in. I wanted to fly out to texas and see my husband when taxes come back and he was like baby, I love you but use the money for you and our son. He knows that when he left we were behind in the bills because of him not working. He know that after 3 hurrincanes in 6 weeks that I am struggle even more after thinking that I could start to see daylight. Look she might be upset for a little while, but it will because she was excited that you were coming down. When you explain everything to her, trust me she will be okay. You know why. Because it doesn't matter if she is locked up or not, she is a mother and wife first, she will understand. Love Jeanne

[TNC]

I have been where you are more times then I can count. There are times that when he was 18 miles away my car was on empty and I didnt know how I would get my kids to school much less go see him. When money was that tight I knew that I needed every dime to take care of the kids needs, but I still felt very very guilty. I know he is sad when I cant come see him and that makes me feel even worse, but sometimes he doesnt realize how short money really is, but that doesnt change the guilt we feel within.

I know there is nothing anyone can say to make that feeling go away, but just know your not alone. You did the right thing, but its still hurts when you know someone else is sad and alone

[MurphyGirl]

dlyles, we all go thru the same thing....don't feel bad you couldn't make it to see your wife, your heart was in the right place when you told her that you would come, reasoning took over and you decided to do the right thing and use that money were it is needed more. Things will get better.

[Her_True_One]

Originally Posted by dlyles

I was happy to finally getting a pay check, but depressed that I still can't make our lives a little better. I'm hoping she understands that if we wait a month or so, everything will be good. I wish I didn't tell her I was coming

If you got a steady gig and are improving your family's finances you are indeed making their lives better, including hers. You not only have short term goals but you'll need to be in sound financial health in 36 months when she comes home if you want to be able to get her clothing and a car.

For her to share your sense of accomplishment she'll have to participate in the goal setting and agree with you on mutually arrived at objectives. She is still a full partner.

When my relationship moved from penpal, to visitor, to fiancee my baby had no clue about money. She had never been with a man who was employed before. Her mom had raised her (sometimes she stayed at the orphanage) on government programs. She assumed anybody who worked had unlimited income. I mailed her my check stub and a copy of a ledger with my bills. She could see how much could be put toward everything in our relationship each month. That figure paid for visits, her spending money, phone calls, and a savings account for her release date so she could get clothing, personal items, etc., etc. I told her to tell me what was more important to her. Did she want fewer calls and more visits? Did she want fewer visits, more calls and more spending money? Did she want more spending money, more visits and fewer calls? When she was doing the math she had context. Now her expectations are realistic and she is an empowered decision maker who does not feel like a powerless dependant. The choices we have made together have made us both happy.

If I were you I would write her and admit you got happy too quick. Send her the check stubb and your bills. Chart out when you think visits would make sense and see if she has a better way.

I'd bet not only will she not be disappointed, she will not hold it against you for missing her so bad you spoke first with your heart.

[Ebony's spice]

"Her True One" - That was a great post and a great idea. I need to think about that one! That was so thoughtful and empowering (to her) on your part. Giving her all that information gave her some control over her own situation and having so little, must have felt really good to her! You wise person you!

"DLyles" - UGH - I bet everyone on this board has been in a similar situation. Mine was truly heart wrenching one time - I'm not even going to go into it - let's just say, it took him a LONG time to get over and I felt so horribly guilty (it had been planned for a long time and didn't work out at the last minute). It was a really good lesson for me to not even "mention" that I "might" be able to come, if it's not a 100% done deal. Mine requires an airline ticket, though, and a lot of planning.

I really do know how you're feeling and so do many, many others here. It sucks, doesn't it? When you have to choose between providing the basics at home or going to visit? It feels like visiting should be a "basic of life", doesn't it???? I've been wondering lately why there aren't "programs" for people who can't afford to visit - esp. those with children. Maybe there are and I just don't know it. Maybe we could start one? Yeah right, on what? Any good "grant writers" in the group??

I think it is a good idea that you tell her all the anguish you went thru coming to your final decision and what your check was vs. your bills, etc. Then it's more "factual" vs. "emotional". It's a tough one. As a mother, if I knew the $ had to go toward my kids' home, food, etc., I'd be thankful my husband made the right decision for them. Good luck to you, as always!

[dlyles]

It's actually an excellent idea. It will make her feel more a part of things again also. She used to handle the finances. If I send her the budget and ask for suggestions, she'll come up with some just to feel human again, or she'll tell me it's cool, but appreciate me asking for the input.

I'm sure she'll be ok not seeing us. The kids were pretty bummed out, but they seemed to understand.

[MelsGuy]

I also sent the houshold budget to my woman and I think it was an eyeopener for her. Since she has been in from the age of 19, she really doesn't know how finances fall into place. I think you will find that letting her have some input will be all positive.

Although money has never been an issue as far as visiting, she can see what it costs to make the trip.

[Lady Wabbit]

WOW!!!!! What a great idea....Thanks. My husband has been in almost 16 yrs and he's always on me about how I spend money. I think I'll try sending him my bank statement and budget....he's always telling me how HE's going to take over when he comes home. Maybe I'll let him take over NOW!!

Saturday was the first time I've been able to go down for a visit since July due to car repairs. I would write and tell him I was coming down and then something else would go wrong with the car. After a couple of months I finally just wrote and told him " Hon, you'll see me when you see me". I felt so depressed having to do that but he was so sweet and wrote and told me "You come when you can, I want you in one piece"

Hang in there...this too shall pass. *S*