need advice...father/son contact

[fellowtraveler]

My loved one has been in prison for 17 years, since the age of 26. He is father to a child that was about 2 years old when he was sent to prison. He was active in the child's life prior to that time, but the child's mother (they were not married) could not accept what he had done and cut off contact. My friend has written to his son over the years, but has no way of knowing whether any of the letters were ever seen by his son (none were ever acknowledged by his son or the mother). When his son was about age 10, my friend resorted to the courts in an attempt to finally have contact with his son, and the judge granted in his favor...so that visitation would begin...but a psychologist who had evaluated the family had written a report stating that the issue was bringing great upheaval into his son's life, and that his son's mother was taking her anger at the situation (and my friend) out on his son. My friend did not pursue the issue any further (despite the ruling in his favor) because he couldn't bear to bring any more difficulty into his son's life.

Thank you for wading through this so far...here is my question. My friend wants very badly to be in touch with his son, who is now 19 (an adult), if his son wants to be. There is no telling what the son has heard regarding his father over the years. My friend is a beautiful man who has learned from the mistakes he made much earlier in life, and he has much to give. He loves his son very much, and has grieved the loss of his son for all these years. Any advice on how to go about initiating contact? On what to think about, in regards to his son's well-being...on how to be wise about this...on how to put his son's best interests at the forefront while giving him a chance to at least know that his father does love him? It seems a very delicate matter. I would really appreciate any thoughts or advice, from the vantage point of all the experience and love that is represented on this board. Thanks in advance for your time.

[deb]

If I were him I'd write a letter to my son expressing the sort of things you wroyte in your second paragraph... His son's an adult now and should be able to make his own decision... Likewise, if your friend doesn't write he isn't trying to establish a relationship with his son and if he doesn't try then how can it even have a chance of happening? This is all just my opinion.... Good luck and ((hugs))

Deb

[key jo]

I agree with Deb. I think your friend should just try to initiate contact and go from there. Good luck to your friend. I'm sure his son will eventually realize the truth about his father's feelings.

I always get upset when people use their children in these games. The kids are the only ones hurt.

[dlyles]

I too agree. I've noticed that people who's parents weren't in their life for awhile, while they are pissed, usually do want the contact. If for nothing else answers. When my cousin was locked up he reached out to his 13 year old son (I know, not quite the same) by me 3 waying a phone call. He had been in for 8 years and had less than a year to go. He wasn't even much of a dad b4 he went and he wanted to get his life in order and he and his son still have a relationship (one year later).

My point, if any is, suggest that he write. It may take two or three letter, and his son may make him sweat it out to see how commited he is.

[fellowtraveler]

Thanks so much for the support and good advice, it is so appreciated!!